I turned Speedway hack for the evening after hearing the news that leading sportswriter, Speedway luminary and all round good-egg, Peter Oakes was feeling a tad under the weather.
So, in homage to the great man, and in an effort to bring a smile to his usually cheery face, here is my attempt to capture the adrenalin junky sport that is Speedway, written in the typical Kirkey style!
Kent TouchTec Solutions Kings 38 v Poole Wessex Marine Pirates 52
SGB Championship, Tuesday 27th July 2021, Central Park, Sittingbourne
On a perfect evening reserved especially for Speedway, the sun was out, the beer was on tap, and a healthy crowd was expectant as the Manchester United of Speedway, the Poole Pirates, weighed anchor at bottom of the league Kent Kings.
This was the fixture the home crowd had been eagerly anticipating since the start of the Championship season and coinciding with the lifting of COVID-19 restrictions, it saw yours truly miss out on a programme as the queue of fans snaked across the carpark.
A programme to a Speedway fan is as important as a baton in the hand of a conductor, a bow to a violinist or a wig to a barrister at the Old Bailey. Fortunately, an enterprising member of staff ran off a shed full of photocopies so that I could still record the progressive scores, individual riders score charts and the all-important lap time! Miss the latter out and it’s not uncommon to strain your neck, ostrich fashion, to have a gander at the person next to you to gather this vital intelligence.
Poole had made a slow start to the season albeit their recent win at Leicester Lions was an ominous sign for the plucky Kings. Yet, against the form book the home side took a deserved early lead, and it wasn’t until the latter stages that the Pirates pulled away to claim all four league points and elevate the famous club into the top-half of the table.
Every rider, or more accurately athlete, added to the drama that, to pinch a line from former star and TV pundit Kelvin Tatum MBE, was ‘Speedway out of the top drawer!’ Having said that, it would be grossly unfair not to name a man of the match – rising star Danyon Hume who tore up the track and many senior reputations in his wake. A future Grand Prix starlet was amongst the faithful this evening.
Kings
1 Scott Nicholls 3,2,2,0,2 = 9
2 Tom Bacon Rider Replacement
3 Paul Starke 2,2,3,3,2 = 12
4 Paul Hurry 0, FX, 1, 1 = 2 + 1
5 Cameron Heeps 2,0,1,1,0 = 4 +1
6 Ben Morley 0,3,1,2,0,1 = 7 +1
7 Daniel Gilkes 2,0,2,0,0 = 4 +1
Pirates
1 Rory Schlein 2,3,2,3,1 = 11 +1
2 Jack Thomas (G) 1,1, 0 = 2 + 1
3 Steve Worrall 1,3,3,1 = 8 +1
4 Stefan Nielsen 3,1,1,3 = 8
5 Danny King 3,3,2,0,3 = 11
6 James Wright (G) FX, 0, FX = 0
7 Danyon Hume 1,1,3,3,2,2 = 12 +1
Breaking with the routine reporting of Speedway, Kirkey produced a blow-by-blow commentary!
Heat one of this humdinger and an acrobatic crash involving top Brit Scott Nicholls and Jack Thomas, with the former lucky to avoid the greyhound track!
At the third time of asking it’s the Pirates on a 5-1, looking good for a maximum heat win until super Scotty Nicholls takes both visiting riders with a sublime undertake. Speedway at full fucking throttle! Kings 3 v Pirates 3
Heat two and the falls continue as guest James Wright takes a spectacular fall on bend 3 of heat 1, when comfortably partnering Danyon Hume to another maximum heat win for the visitors. Wright excluded as the primary cause of the stoppage.
Former National League Champion Ben Morley makes it first to the corner, chased by Hume who later clips his back wheel and does well to stay on as Gilkes takes the advantage for a Kings 5-1. Kings 8 v Pirates 4
Heat 3 Speedway out of the top draw! Poole gate on a 5-1 and hold it until lap 2. Strake is all over Worrall like a rash as he shepherds Nielsen home. Starke says bollocks to this, picks up grip and propels around Worrall to set up a last lap showdown. He had his front wheel on the centre green and his arse in the dirt. Nielsen hangs on. Kings 10 v Pirates 8
Heat 4 and again the Pirates are on a 5-1. Heeps, back from injury, catches Hume and it’s all square. Kings 12 v Pirates 12
Heat 5 and it’s all blood and guts again as Hurry hits the deck and disappears right under the safety fence and on to the dog track. He is up and OK. Check your pants Paul! Hurry excluded.
Starke gates like an Exocet missile and it seems destined for a shared heat. Until that is Rory Schlein powers past him. Where the fuck did he get that drive from? Pirates take the lead. Kings 14 v Pirates 16
Heat 6 all four back as King has a roller. My heart can’t take much more of this! Morley and Nicholls hold off former British Champion King and look good for a maximum heat win, until Nicholls loses it, and King goes from third to first and Morley goes from first to third. Kings 17 v Pirates 19
Heat 7 Worrall hunts down reserve Morley, who is riding like a man possessed, and unceremoniously shoves him out of the way. Kings 19 v Pirates 23
Heat 8 the Kings aren’t prepared to lie down and both home riders hustle through to claim a share of the spoils. Hume in a class of his own up front. Time for another pint! Kings 22 v Pirates 26
Heat 9 stopped in the interests of safety as Wright falls, disappears under the safety fence, and inspects the greyhound track. He walks away after track staff pull him clear. Race awarded. Kings 26 v Pirates 28
Heat 10 Pirates on another 5-1 until Nicholls slingshots around Nielsen to split the visitors. Worrall hangs on for the win. Kings 28 v Pirates 32
Heat 11 you could chuck a blanket over the first three riders, but the visitors turn the screw with a 5-1. Tactical substitute territory for the Kings.
Kings 29 v Pirates 37
Heat 12 the Poole duo complete a masterclass in team riding as they keep tactical substitute Nicholls at bay for a shared heat. The Pirates are nearly home and dry. Kings 32 v Pirates 40
Heat 13 from the gate as Schlein powers to a comfortable win. Heeps does well to keep King out of it. Kings 35 v Pirates 43
Heat 14 nervy start. All four back. Stylish Pirates wrap it up with a comprehensive maximum heat win to secure all 4 league points with one heat to go.
Kings 36 v Pirates 48
Heat 15 a spectacular shoot-out between Starke and King, won by the visitor. I’m off for a lie down in a darkened room! Final score Kings 38 v Pirates 52
If you have reached this far Mr Oakes, I salute you!
I think your columns in the Speedway Star and The Daily Star are completely safe. But then again if you ever need an understudy …
© Ian Kirke 2021 & all photographs