The world according to Kirkey
I’m generally in a permanent state of bewilderment. On one hand, I’m a member of the human race; on the other, I often don’t quite understand what that membership means, or even whether I’m happy to be a card-carrying participant. If this preamble sounds like nonsense, bear with me – it’s the primary theme of … Read more
Protest has always been stitched into the fabric of British democracy — part of the national character, part of that peculiar blend of pride, prickliness and righteous fury at unfairness. From the Chartists demanding representation, to the Suffragettes refusing to wait politely for equality, to the miners marching for dignity, Brits have never been shy … Read more
The other day, while travelling, I found myself staring at the lanyard hanging from the neck of a fellow passenger. Not in a threatening way, you understand. More in the way bored people develop an unhealthy fascination with things that have absolutely nothing to do with them. I squinted to see the logo. Who did … Read more
A Kirkeytalk enquiry into our impending doom, Moonpig cards, and Huddersfield Town parking logistics. Some commentators insist Artificial Intelligence (AI) is about to sweep across the planet like a digital plague, leaving humanity redundant, purposeless, and possibly extinct. If you’re struggling to imagine this dystopian future, simply revisit James Cameron’s The Terminator — a film … Read more
Somewhere in the foggy labyrinth of my cultural upbringing — probably wedged between “don’t make a fuss” and “queue nicely” — I learnt the peculiar art of apologising for being the victim. Toe trodden on? Someone sloshes beer down my shirt? Shopping trolley shunted into my spine with the force of a minor earthquake? The … Read more
I’ve been called many things over the years: Son. Husband. Father. Police officer. Twat. And a fair few other titles – some official, some considerably less flattering. But without question, the finest label ever pinned to my slightly frayed lapel is this: Grandad. If you’re fortunate enough to have children, and then lucky enough for … Read more
If I trace my understanding of human intimacy back to its humble beginnings, the trail leads not to a candlelit room or a romantic film moment, but to Mayrhofen, Austria, where a younger version of me – earnest, optimistic, and equipped with the emotional intelligence of a startled pigeon – first attempted to navigate the … Read more
It started, as these things often do, with a throwaway comment delivered by someone who clearly thought they were being sensible. “Why do you bother with Notts County?” they asked, with that faint smirk people reserve for hobbies – or in my case my calling – they don’t understand. “It’s just 22 men running around, … Read more
Catching up with my old mucker John, he casually dropped a bombshell: apparently we feature in David Davies’ autobiographical romp FA Confidential: Sex, Drugs and Penalties. The Inside Story of English Football. Henry Winter’s review in The Daily Telegraph retells Davies’ version – a late night knock at his Burnham Beeches hotel door during Euro … Read more
We all carry a quiet superstition about ourselves – a private conviction that serious misfortune is something reserved for other people. It’s a comforting illusion, this sense of personal invulnerability, and most of us cling to it even when the evidence suggests we shouldn’t. We downplay symptoms, ignore warning signs, and assume tomorrow will look … Read more