We Brits are renowned for our sense of humour; undisputed world champions in the disciplines of sarcasm, satire, and innuendo. We can dish it out with craft and conviction. Taking the piss out of others is second nature to the British ─ so good are we that we just as elegantly turn this superpower inwards upon ourselves. How else could we possibly explain the majority of our choices of elected political leaders? Indeed, we are on something of a sanctimonious sprint with four utterly useless and comical prime ministers in a tad over three years. Arguably, the most contemporary nuclear use of our inherent ability to poke a stick in the spokes of our own national bicycle and fall head over heels across the handlebars is the outcome of the BREXIT referendum held in 2016; the first time in the history of the world a country successfully imposed trade sanctions upon itself.
Having dynamically set the domestic agenda, I want to share a genuine story which grabbed my attention as I chatted to my ex-police chum over a pint. Typifying this eccentric and erratic environment, it is – somewhat surprisingly ─ framed around man’s best friend. This isn’t a typical shaggy dog story, although it pretty much frames the dog’s dinner of division that has flowed from the UK’s flawed decision to leave the European Union ─ where once united tribes went to war (of words) and hitherto harmonious relatives were pitched against one another.
Pete – who voted to remain – found himself at loggerheads with several other members of his family who celebrated the referendum result by buying him a dog. If the story had ended there this would probably have been a wonderful example of applauding the losing team as they trudged off the field after an agonisingly slim defeat; an honourable recognition that putting up a good fight was worthy of celebration ─ even if the real spoils were tantalisingly just out of reach ─ but let me remind you that this tale took place in Britain amidst a toxic and dishonest political prize fight that had one brutal outcome. Handing over the cute puppy to him – dressed in a rather fetching Union Flag doggy coat ─ Pete’s gleeful BREXITEER relations proudly announced his new pet’s name: BREXIT.
In relation to BREXIT (not the dog), how would you describe family relationships prior to the referendum result?
Pete drew breath and paused before delivering his riveting response: “Prior to the referendum result family relationships were very animated. My wife and two eldest sons – who were 32 and 30 at the time ─ were Leavers and myself and my youngest son who was 28 (and has a Master’s in Economics) were Remainers.
“A lot of what he said during some of the more heated and vocal family discussions seemed to make sense to me, particularly around the detrimental impact that BREXIT would have on the economy and any trade agreements we had with other EU member states. He was also very objective and balanced about the impact that leaving the EU would have on migration to the UK and our ability to recruit to the NHS, hospitality, and agricultural sectors in particular, who all have a heavy reliance on migrant workers. My two eldest sons took a slightly more subjective and, shall we say, right-wing view on the subject!”
How did you feel when you heard the result?
A philosophical Pete was more accepting: “When I heard the result I was personally disappointed but, as a believer in democracy, I accepted it for what it was. The result obviously generated some good natured ribbing and banter from my wife and “Leaver” sons.”
Detecting a wry smile – or was Pete simply swallowing – he added, “But of course, the boot is now very much on the other foot and I regularly hear myself saying ‘I told you so!’”
Tell me about the circumstances – especially how you felt ─ surrounding your acceptance of BREXIT the dog?
“I accepted him in the only way I would receive any present. He was a lovely “surprise” present from my family ─ given to me for my 60th birthday. When I say lovely it was because I already had an old dog, Mike, who was coming to the end of his life. BREXIT was nine weeks old when I got him and, like Mike, is a black cocker spaniel ─ so I saw BREXIT as a ready-made replacement. To be honest, when I saw him dressed in his “national costume” and was told what he had been christened, and knowing my boys as I do, I knew it was just an attempt to wind me up.”
Pete proudly proclaimed, “He’s registered with the Kennel Club as “Kentixen Loire” so he probably prefers BREXIT anyway!”
When you walk BREXIT and let him off the lead do you call out his full name?
A now chuckling Pete blurted out, “It’s a bit like when my Mum used to call me Peter when I was being naughty. I only tend to call him BREXIT when I disapprove of what he’s doing. Otherwise, I usually call him “BREX.”
Have you had any interesting occurrences with canine BREXIT?
“I’ve had a few funny looks when people heard me call him BREXIT, but apart from one incident nothing too out of the ordinary. This particular event happened fairly recently:
“Whilst out walking him I met an elderly lady exercising her dog. BREXIT tends to posterior sniff when meeting other dogs ─ something not all canines take kindly to. This lady’s dog was one of those types and started growling at him. I initially called him away but this particular bottom was clearly more interesting than me! BREXIT continued sniffing whilst the other dog was becoming more and more agitated at his unwanted attention. Realising the situation was escalating I shouted at BREXIT, ‘Come here!’
“The lady ─ in a broad Irish accent ─ shouted out an expletive followed by the indignant statement, “He’s called BREXIT?!” I acknowledged her and explained why. Thankfully, we concluded this exchange with a hearty laugh!”
I cracked a smile too – since the political BREXIT smelt fouler than any dog’s arse.
Are people more ─ or less ─ inclined to engage with you when they hear the name?
“People seem more inclined to engage ─ invariably asking why he is called BREXIT. The majority seem quite amused when they hear the story; and they don’t forget his name!”
Do you have a plan for BREXIT’s name should the decision ever be reversed?
Pete confirmed that he had no plans to rename him should the decision ever be reversed, adding, “Our government seems very confused and it would just confuse him too!
“However, he is trained as a working gundog, so with the BREXIT theme in mind I have amended a couple of his commands. ‘Stay’ has become ‘REMAIN’ and when I want to stop him from doing something ‘No’ has become ‘LEAVE.’”
This was probably the first time I had ever laughed out loud when contemplating BREXIT.
Given that it is now crystal clear that leaving the EU has been an unmitigated disaster, how would you describe your interactions with your leave-voting relations since they handed BREXIT over?
A reflective Pete calmly replied, “My interactions and relationships with all my family remain as they were. I love them all dearly now, as I did before ─ whatever their political views. However, as I said earlier, I do find myself frequently saying to them ‘I told you so’ when they moan about the state of the NHS, or the economy, or how long it took them to get served in a pub or restaurant because of a shortage of staff. When coming to their decision they should have listened to the evidence and not the scaremongering, rumour, and propaganda. A bit like policing really.”
A couple of days later I met the star of the show and we hit it off – me throwing the ball and BREXIT doing the business. If only the political BREXIT could manage that too. Then, with little warning, my little four-legged friend paused and concentrated ─ proximate to a clump of grass. Scraping, then scurrying away, I saw what had been deposited ─ a profound metaphor of the outcome of the UK’s decision to leave the EU. Pete duly dealt with the offending item with a poop bag and BREXIT barked with glee. Not barking mad like the politicians who still champion this utter carnage, but a joyful, inclusive bark that made me smile in the manner I did before the 23rd June 2016.
© Ian Kirke 2023
@ianjkirke
Title photograph reproduced by kind permission of Pete