Seeking literary stimulus whilst lazing in the garden soaking up the scintillating sunshine – a pretty rare British occurrence – I decided to harness the power of social media. Ever so slightly exaggerating my status and always looking for the double entendre I declared, “Laying naked in the garden looking for inspiration for a topic to write about. I guess I’ll have to see what pops up.” I was looking for an alternative angle to counter the predicted flurry of size related comments – although, to be fair, I didn’t hold out too much hope. Consequently, I wasn’t surprised to receive the anticipated content, although what I did find curious was that it was principally male friends who homed in on the obvious, whilst my female chums were more circumspect and creative. Without exception, each derogatory dig inferred that I have a diddy dick. They were, of course, baseless taunts, since none of the critics have ever set eyes on my cock. Nonetheless, this tirade got me thinking: which gender has the biggest hangup on size?
In reality, I have never received any adverse comment about my member, although I can clearly recall the scarce occasions when a sexual partner actually said it was too big. I have often heard the colloquialism, “It’s not the size, it’s what you do with it,” but I put that down to propaganda promoted by those with paltry penises.
According to the rather racy research paper, “Average-Size Erect Penis: Fiction, Fact, and the Need for Counseling,” published by Emeritus Professor Bruce King of the Department of Psychology, Clemson University, Clemson, South Carolina, USA in 2021, most men maintain the false belief that the average length of an erect donger is a tad north of six inches. However, this myth was originally manufactured on the back of a series of studies that captured some dodgy self-reporting. Who would ever suspect that a man would intentionally lie about this facet of his masculinity? The true range of the average erect Joe – based on empirical evidence ─ was found to be between 5.1 and 5.5 inches. Indeed, the prevailing false narrative gives rise to many men seeking a risky penile extension. At this point in my investigation I raised a couple of things, including a smile, since I am above average. My delight was somewhat dimmed when I came across (that might be an unwise statement to make at this juncture) earlier research published in 2015 by Nicole Prause and colleagues at the Department of Psychiatry, University of California Los Angeles, Los Angeles, California.
Examining women’s preferences using some imaginative 3D modelling, the average length of the sought-after schlong was 6.4 inches (for a one-night stand) and 6.3 inches for the guys they decided to keep for longer. In a standard heterosexual relationship – if ever such a thing exists – the lady would (on average) be disappointed by a factor of 13%. This may explain why this number is considered to be unlucky. But back in the real world, we don’t typically engage in sexual relationships within the confines of a laboratory experiment – although I often fantasised about clearing away the test tubes from the workstation of a scenes of crime officer and giving her my prodigious pecker when I was a police officer. Anyway – enough of that fantasy.
I was keen to conduct my own research within my friendship circle, and with the aid of anonymity for the shrinking violets, and the power of Survey Monkey, I posed the questions that needed to be asked again, additionally encouraging the more liberated ladies to dish the dirt on some epic little and large sausage stories. The entry level question queried, “Does the size of your lover’s penis matter to you?”
My cohort of cuties were narrowly divided with 46% saying it did whilst 54% weren’t bothered. Providing a range of options, I sought to ascertain the optimum length of the desirable dart of desire. At the lower end no one plumped for less than four inches, and at the higher end no participants were keen on a kidney disturber (in excess of eight inches). Seventy-seven percent reflected the 2015 academic study by selecting the six to eight inch range whilst the remainder settled for a more modest middle leg of between four to six inches.
When asked to quantify their opinion of the popular expression – “It’s not the size, it’s what you do with it” – three-quarters agreed. Qualifying this assertion one lady added, “Agree somewhat. If a man isn’t that well-endowed so long as he’s good with his hands, it’s not a problem.” Championing the cause of the minor master of ceremonies these reflections offered further support: “A man with a large penis can think that size is all that matters and not bother whether or not he satisfies a partner’s needs. A man with a smaller one usually has a few other tricks up his sleeve,” and, “Technique and care is all important! Turn me on and the size is irrelevant!” However, one cautionary term and condition should never be ignored: “If it’s too small then it needs to be an incredibly good experience. If it has length, then you can forgive a few mishaps.” Those at the extreme end of erectile extensions were also warned: “Some women ─ myself included ─ can only accommodate a certain length, and trust me, too much thrusting against my cervix is not pleasant.”
Although the majority of respondents fled the data collection process at this point, some opted for voluntary detention and in doing so shared some of their cock tales. Madam Mimm took immediate charge (as one would expect) and regaled a memorable rogering:
“In the nineties my friend and I pulled a couple of coppers from Kirkcaldy (some Scottish backwater) in a Tottenham nightclub, eventually ending up in a local hotel. My guy warned me he was well endowed and when he unfurled the beast I was nervous ─ rather preferring to keep my interior intact. Thank fuck that, after two kidney destroying pumps, he passed out ─ proper fainted. Turns out blood can go to the brain or the dick, but not at the same time. He was mortified he couldn’t weald the weapon anymore. In the meantime, I had resorted to using my ‘chants’ (loud crazy lady spiritual bullshit chanting ─ which I have used successfully to protect me from peril on more than one occasion) to save me from total destruction! He then passed out, prompting me to initially think that I had killed him with my special powers ─ woah what a night!” And a wonderful reminder of the late great Robin Williams’ observation, “God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.”
Marie was next up and advocated for the underdog with a dollop of pragmatism too: “I went out with a man who wasn’t that large but he knew what he was doing with his fingers and tongue. Also, a smaller penis doesn’t hurt that much up the arse.” Brenda also piped up, “I once had a lover who had a one-and-a-half-inch erection – give him his due, his ego was big enough, even if his tackle wasn’t!”
Debbie was more damning: “A reasonable penis is important. And tiny dicks? Behave! They should just stay zipped up! Most blokes have fingers. Sooner a digit than a fuckin’ widget!”
Tracey’s final dissertation on dick provided an illuminating climax to the storytelling. “During my time as a swinger, and indeed, prior to that, it was never about size. I’ve had from two inches to fourteen! I feel it’s definitely about the sexual connection with that person. If you like them, and want to have sex with them, size doesn’t matter ─ you will make it work and enjoy the intimacy. There are two men I remember who had what “society” would say were small dicks ─ two and three inches. The foreplay was intense, and oh ─ they were both extremely good with their hands!”
“The sex, and the build-up to it, was incredible. I’ve had some amazing sex with a bigger penis and some of the worst too ─ no doubt thinking that because they were big, they could just go at me like a freight train! However, the biggest I had felt good, but was uncomfortable. I am currently seeing someone who is about 6.5 inches, although I’ve never measured it because the sex we have amounts to the requirement to have goggles and a snorkel – he’s that good!”
However, even in the face of reliable facts and testimonies, size will often preoccupy the waking states of some men, and rigorous ribbing won’t be far behind as comic genius Jimmy Carr captured in this infamous gag: “I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It’s the two from my mum that really hurt.”
In conclusion, wherever you are in the charts ─ low, midtable, or top of the pile ─ I guess it’s finally all about the wise words of Bananarama & Fun Boy Three: “It Ain’t What You Do It’s the Way That You Do It.”
© Ian Kirke 2023
Title photograph Deon Black on Unsplash
@ianjkirke