Let me, a member of the electorate, make it abundantly clear from the get-go that I dislike Boris Johnson. If you are a paid-up member of his fan club then please exit here.
On the other hand, if you are minded to hear me out (for about five minutes), I will regale you with my personal observations of the clown incarnate, based on checkable data. Since this is a brief review, I have decided to leave his personal life and the litany of misdemeanours recorded elsewhere out of the equation, and focus entirely on the apologists who provide cover for, in my opinion, a deeply troubled and dangerous human being. And of course, the specific issue of his hair and propensity to wear ill-fitting clothes. More of that in a moment.
But let’s begin with some positives. As an anchor (unfortunately that is not a typo) on ‘Have I Got News For You’ in 2003 he performed gallantly, and I smiled broadly when he got stuck on the zipwire on the run-up to the London Olympics in 2012. If I had been in a position to give him career feedback, judged on these two examples alone, I would have signposted him back to the world of media, maybe at the prestigious broadsheet ‘The Times.’ However, he may have already burnt his bridges there when he got sacked for dishonesty after making up a quote. Did Johnson’s housemaster at Eton, Martin Hammond, when writing to his dad in 1982, have a premonition of this trait when he remarked, “Boris really has adopted a disgracefully cavalier attitude to his classical studies…Boris sometimes seems affronted when criticised for what amounts to a gross failure of responsibility (and surprised at the same time that he was not appointed Captain of the School for next half): I think he honestly believes that it is churlish of us not to regard him as an exception, one who should be free of the network of obligation which binds everyone else.”
I never trusted him (and still don’t), however after his 2019 landslide election victory I so wanted his administration to be a success, even though he had lied his arse off during the 2016 BREXIT referendum. His bus slogan was a whopper and the mantra of the leave campaign – ‘Take back control’ – was the biggest of the lot. This was explicitly acknowledged in his own government’s policy paper (item 2.1) entitled ‘The United Kingdom’s exit from, and new partnership with, the European Union’ (May 2017), unsurprisingly buried in obscurity.
I have heard said on many occasions, “He is doing his best.” If this is one of your favourite handles please think again, as I have only ever used this phrase for persons under the age of five. I want a prime minister that exceeds the best, and some!
“Give him a break, he’s dealing with a global pandemic.” Fair point, yet pandemics tend to have a frequency that chimes every century. The influenza contagion of 1918 put us on notice and pandemic planning is an established practise. As COVID-19 swept in from the East the UK also had the benefit of being ahead of the curve. Staged surprise should never be a showstopper.
Then there is the laughable, “He got BREXIT done!” He simply ran the clock down and secured the crappiest deal ever. Even DFS sofas would have ditched it. Indeed, BREXIT still hasn’t been done and continues to hover over the country like a huge turd-shaped Zeppelin, emanating the same smell. The Northern Ireland protocol has the capacity to explode at any moment and reignite ‘the troubles.’ To add to the woe, our hitherto smooth trade routes and ‘just in time’ prowess now lay in ruins. To sum it up the Office for Budgetary Responsibility, the body created in 2010 to provide independent and authoritative analysis of the UK’s public finances and on whom the Chancellor of The Exchequer relies to construct budgets that affect us all, estimates that BREXIT will reduce the country’s GDP by 4%. COVID-19 is almost lost on the horizon at 2%. And this BREXIT loss will be forever. Most eminent scientists predict the pandemic will, in terms of global devastation, begin to evaporate in the short-term. Let me reiterate this point – BREXIT is twice as bad as the pandemic.
“The vaccine rollout!” Since the primary role of Government is to protect us all from external threats, the procurement of vaccines is only what we should expect. The actual rollout success was down to the incredible and terrific tripart partners – the NHS, local authorities, and volunteers. Granted, the UK started like an express train, but have a look at the latest COVID-19 vaccination league table where the UK is nowhere near the playoffs. I will leave you to disappear into the void of the ‘World beating test and trace’ that the parliamentary committee, tasked to review its trumpeted top of the World league status, gave this TripAdvisor feedback, “Unimaginable cost of Test & Trace failed to deliver central promise of averting another lockdown.”
Then there is the Number 10 party (or was it parties?) that took place whilst the rest of us complied with the restrictions, placing Christmas in stasis, and for some, resulted in the horror of being unable to be with their loved ones who died without that final hug. As I wasn’t there how can I be so certain that it took place at the home of the prime minister? I don’t have to be since I am not in a court of law and the rigours of criminal prosecution don’t apply. On the civil threshold of guilt, I am more than satisfied that on the balance of probabilities a knees-up occurred on at least one occasion. Martin Docherty-Hughes MP summed it up more elegantly, “That if something looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and it’s at a Christmas party, it’s usually a duck.”
As for the enormity of his parliamentary lies I will leave Peter Stefanovic, lawyer, vlogger, and film-maker to fill in the blanks. “But they all lie!” There are 650 elected MPs in the House of Commons and, according to UK Parliament, “there are about 800 members who are eligible to take part in the work of the House of Lords.” If you use this oblique statement please list the lot and replicate the work of Mr Stefanovic who said of the prime minister in relation to Partygate, “Boris Johnson talking ‘complete bollocks’ on Christmas parties.” Whilst you are at it your scope should also include the near twenty-two thousand second tier politicians who serve as local councillors. You may need a few sheets of paper.
Have I lied? Yes! But in my private life and never in my public roles. The former impacts on a handful and although never a proud episode it is nonetheless contained. The latter, when undertaken by those in power, disrupts the lives of millions.
As for those that utter the ultimate chocolate fireguard defence, “Leave him alone. He’s doing a good job!” can you at least provide some evidence that doesn’t crumble after a few preliminary prods of enquiry? I’d especially welcome some BREXIT success stories, and by that I mean tangible benefits that are both better than what we had and that we couldn’t do whilst still a member of the EU.
For those that rely on the ‘Kick it into the long grass’ prose of, “He’s better than the alternative!” your cognitive dissonance has a vice like grip.
Finally, there is always the defiant, ‘Custer’s last stand,’ cry of, “We won the war!” Yes, with considerable help from our allies.
But why does he insist on looking like Worzel Gummidge and repeatedly acting the clown? Even during the recent toe curling CBI conference address he was able to embarrass Peppa Pig. Clowns and jesters have been around for eons, appearing in most cultures, and have an important place outside of pure frivolity, as I reflected upon in my article on satire. But as David Kiser, director of talent for Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, asserts, “Clowns have always had a dark side,” drawing upon their insatiable yearning for food, sex, alcohol, and manic behaviour. Former President Obama press aide Tommy Vietor went one better by describing Johnson as a “shapeshifting creep.”
Did Johnson’s (sorry, how rude have I been? Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, born in the USA) Eton tutor get it spot on all those years ago?
So, will the clown still be juggling this side of Christmas?
Well, here is my prediction …
Hang on a minute, my Amazon delivery has just arrived. I’ll be back in a mo …
© Ian Kirke 2021
Title photograph by Jannes Van den wouwer on Unsplash