Being accused of forgetfulness, especially as I am forced by dint of nature to accept the onset of adulthood, can be worrying. And as much as I may rebel by simply categorising the data I don’t recall as trivia, the associated accusations of either being uninterested, “you don’t listen,” or idiotic “I’ve told you that before,” are beginning to have a negative effect on my psyche.
Have I suddenly become indifferent to the content of what others may deem as important, or have I always been too arrogant to give value to the information shared by others, especially those close to me? Alternatively, is there something more sinister happening to my mental acuity? Whatever the cause it was emotionally compelling enough to seek answers rather than label the stuff I forget as drivel.
As I reflected upon this quandary, I became even more frustrated when I had all the answers to my specialist subjects, including, for example, speedway teams of the late 80s, the lyrics to the banger The Chinese Way by Level 42, and the first names of my previous lovers at my fingertips. I doubt if Mastermind would deem any of these to be worthy of a call up anytime soon.
As I reflected on each of these disparate superpowers, I realised that one thing connected them: emotion. Is this the cement that anchors such vivid memories within my chaotic mind – usually in a state of continuous wandering from one subject to another without any obvious linkage? As I pondered this matter a follow up question was added to the mental mix: is being male a burden too in terms of forgetfulness?
I was surprised to discover that we all develop a style of remembering, and given my reflective nature and philosophical leanings – important tools as a writer in telling stories – I am more likely to retain emotionally resonant moments, especially those laced with joy, irony, grief, or humour. Events that evoke strong emotions are flagged as important, often because they relate to survival, identity, or social connection; for want of a better phrase – a narrative glue. My amygdala (the almond-shaped brain structure) attentively helps tag emotional experiences, boosting the likelihood they will be stored in my long-term memory.
Fascinating research undertaken last year – The study of memory: How learners retain and retrieve information – asserts that memory is not just about storing facts – it thrives on comprehension, context, and personal relevance. Meaningful learning leads to deeper encoding and better retrieval. My memory is therefore more stimulated by patterns and meaning than isolated facts and craves metaphors which act as memory scaffolding. Thus, in my specific circumstances, it might be less about my memory failure and more about differing emotional priorities. I’m not being careless or inconsiderate, but rather I’m busy organising.
In my defence, for those who believe I purposely dispose of their stories, I may not be alone in forgetting things that others deem important because of three important drivers: low emotional charge, cognitive triage, and context mismatch. The former simply means that if something doesn’t stir the emotions it is unlikely to become deeply encoded, whilst the latter differentiates between what is meaningful to one person (e.g. a date, a comment, a task) and what might be peripheral to another. That mismatch often fuels accusations of forgetfulness when the more accurate descriptor is that my brain has deemed it to be low grade intelligence. The remaining influencer is perhaps my favourite since it recognises that my brain filters out what it considers to be noise. If a detail doesn’t connect to my values or emotional landscape, it is likely to be discarded. However, I suspect I could use these reasons not to remember to do the exact opposite. The mundane majesty of putting the bins out could be labelled metaphorically as the bin day ballet, and memory scaffolding could be enhanced by visual and humorous cues such as the primary protagonist being naked. This will be a work in progress.
My concluding enquiry sought to establish if my gender has anything to do with my apparent forgetfulness.
Multiple studies suggest that women tend to outperform men in certain types of memory, especially verbal and episodic memory, though the differences are nuanced and task dependent. Women excel in verbal episodic memory – recalling words, objects, pictures, and everyday events. Men tend to perform better in visuospatial tasks, such as navigating or remembering symbolic, non-verbal information. Hormonal differences (e.g. the oestrogen effect on the hippocampus) may contribute to women’s superior verbal memory. The study also notes that memory differences are not absolute, but trend based. Also, women tend to recall social and emotional details more vividly, while men may underperform in recalling nuanced interpersonal events.
If only the worn-out phrase of, “You should listen more carefully,” worked on me! If you want it to sink in, then adopt the sage words of Robbie Williams – “Let me entertain you!” or at the very least preface the disclosure with two hoots of a ship’s airhorn.
© Ian Kirke 2025
@ iankirke.bsky.social
Title photo by Dianne Clifford on Unsplash.