Now that I have your attention, may I commence with an apology for any male readers. This isn’t an article about masturbation although I do fully acknowledge that for most of us blokes this is a super-power. Assuming at this point that I have lost around fifty percent of the initial readership let me explain what this piece is really about. In a nutshell, those crappy events that pop up in one’s life, in my case on a regular basis, that lead to the statement: ‘Why has it happened to me?’
For the purpose of literary convenience an ‘it’ can be anything that has the ability to shunt you off course, whether the event is intended or otherwise but nonetheless has, at least at the start, a negative connotation. I say at the beginning because often in the end they teach us a great lesson and time can be a great healer. However, what really pisses me off about these life lessons is the realisation that wisdom usually takes a fucking long time coming! So, what qualifies me to comment on this issue? Firstly, I have made a considerable number of blunders in my life and secondly, I have studied psychology at post-graduate level. OK my Master’s is in criminology and criminal psychology but it’s a crime that these things can cause us so much anxiety only to unfold over time to be a blessing in disguise. My quest therefore is to seek to shorten the agony and perhaps to enable you to enjoy the ride a little more by chunking it down into manageable steps: beginning it, preventing it, examining it, accepting it, concluding it and evaluating it.
When it happened to me my world literally appeared to fall apart. The negative types can have this disabling effect. Like an out of control bowling ball with a velocity all of their own, these types of its can knock the most robust of individual human skittles over, leaving them spinning uncontrollably into that void at the end of the bowling alley. You know, that gratefully accepting trench at the opposite end to the one you throw from. But like all games of ten pin bowling the skittles have a remarkable consistency all of their own. They eventually assume the upright position, no matter what. But this whole process took time. Valuable time that I could have spent doing something I really wanted to do, and being happy. Rather than being the opposite. Was there a method by which I could successfully circumnavigate the grieving process that much quicker?
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Everybody has at some time in their life been faced with an it. The only difference between other people’s its and your own probably boils down to a couple of factors: how you perceive their effects on you and how you bounce back. Indeed, from my own observations I concluded on more occasions than not, that people usually dealt with its in a number of ways: Blame others, to the extent that the need to recover one’s healthy outlook on life is taken over by a consistent need to bad mouth another and keep alive the fire of hate. Feel pity, to the lengths that this was a path of life they were destined to tread for ever more. Seek sanctuary with the other neg-heads of life, and become intoxicated on the spirit of despair. Turn to drink, drugs, or outright physical violence. None of these, I reasoned were productive. But can we prevent it happening in the first place?
Its are very much down to the way you interpret them. The famous motivational writer and speaker Zig Ziglar tied this issue up quite nicely, for me anyway, when he likened the way you treat what’s happening around you, or in our case what its are currently facing you into a neat analogy. He imagined that your mind contains two obedient bank tellers. Both are situated in matching cubicles, and for the sake of the comparison the outward appearance is identical, save the sign that hangs above each one. One reads ‘Negative’ and the other ‘Positive’. Both tellers give the same generous rate of interest, with the base currency being your thoughts. Let’s say for arguments sake the base return on each visit to the mind bank gives back ten percent on your initial investment. Not a bad return in any bank, building society or other financial institution. You see, the point is this; if you invest negative you get more negative back. Invest positive and the same is true. You decide where you put your money thus how you think, and ultimately how you feel. Should this fail, and the rate is pretty high at this juncture, how about examining it?
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Its are pretty fascinating. Particularly other people’s its. For the person who is experiencing the it, they are so close to the elephant that all they can see is grey. Who can you turn to? An it can be of particular fascination to a number of other onlookers. The curious, inquisitive, the darn right nosy and the ones that take great delight in the suffering of others. The ‘I told you so’ gang and those who want to look but don’t want to sully their hands any further. But believe me, in amongst that infernal crowd, chances are good that there is someone out there who can act as your safari friend. Narrow down your choice by focusing on those people who have a good, solid perspective on life. Not the Neg head beer drinkers who blame anything and anybody whilst they are welded to the bar stool nor the ones who use your unfortunate episode to dump their its on you. Hang around those who occupy the state of mind where you want to be. Remember that chances are that they have experienced much the same as you in the past. Learnt from the experience and used their knowledge to effectively deal with future its to gradually perfect the art. And so on and so on. But how do you approach them, especially, if you don’t know them that well? Chances are that your negative self-talk is chatting away at ten to the dozen convincing you that your intended partner, probably wouldn’t want to help you anyway.
This scenario reminds me of a story I once heard about the effects of negative self-talk, which goes something like this: A car breaks down in a country lane miles from anywhere. On checking, the driver notices that the car has a flat tyre. To add to their despair, the driver remembers that the car jack is sitting proudly on the garage shelf, having been removed during previous maintenance on the vehicle. A flat tyre with no means of repair along a dark, out in the sticks location the driver began to feel a little sorry for themselves. Then in the dim distance they see a light. Yes, the light coming from an isolated farmer’s cottage. It looks a tough journey, but the driver recognises that this is probably their only chance of getting help. The driver duly begins to trek towards the cottage in order to ask the farmer for a jack. As the driver begins the journey their mindset is full of worry and concern for their current predicament, focusing on the situation they presently face rather than where they would like to be. As the obedient negative bank teller proceeds to dish out a favourable return they trudge towards the distant farmhouse. “But what if the farmer is out?” is a sudden thought. “Or alone? I’ll frighten the living daylights out of them!” The driver continued to walk and think. “They won’t like being disturbed at this time of night”. The driver continued to walk and think. “The farmer will obviously be very angry and inconvenienced by my sudden request, will be six-foot tall and equally wide, and will probably slam the door in my face!” The driver continued to walk and think. “What a cheek! I only wanted to borrow a damn Jack. I’ll show them!” The driver knocked on the door of Farmer Giles, the good Samaritan and long-suffering insomniac. On opening the door, the motorist simply blurted out “You can keep your bloody Jack!” And promptly walked off into the night. Thus, before you interview your intended mentor get your thinking straight, no matter what, so that you can finally accept it.
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When faced with an it, it can be commonplace to play back the situation time and time again, regularly reinforcing the ‘what if syndrome’. What if this had happened? What if I had done this? What if they had done this? What if this had been said? What ifs are probably the biggest nightmare of all and can perpetuate an it more than any other contributing factor, yet it’s easily done. Why you ask?
Simply it’s a cocktail of things. Disbelief perhaps mixed with heaps of anger and sprinkled with a fair smattering of resentment. Replaying the it and visualising an alternative outcome is perhaps playing into the hands of our most basic of natural instincts. That of survival. Survival against harm, pain, and any matter of discomfort to the body and soul. Although this behaviour may supply a degree of temporary comfort you are fooling an especially important person: you! No amount of mental back projection, historic visualisation or clinical wishing will ever change the circumstances surrounding it. To bid this hindrance farewell you will have to accept that it has actually happened. Reaffirm the message to yourself. A few times if necessary. ‘It has happened. I may not like what has happened, but make no mistake, it has happened.’ This will work much more productively than all that useless nightmare thinking. Trust me!
You have a degree of responsibility for the course it has ultimately taken. You were, whether it sits comfortably or not with your ego a contributory factor to the overall process. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that you are solely responsible. No way. But if you liken it to, for example, a game of cricket you were somewhere in the thick of it. Maybe batting, fielding, or waiting to bowl a spinner. The enriching part of this realisation is that you may not be able to influence the other players, but you can determine the future actions of the most important team player, you! So, having accepted it let’s explore how we can better conclude it.
Cast your mind back to the last novel or film that you can vividly remember reading or watching. Chances are that if you can remember it in this way, and in such detail, then you probably enjoyed the experience. Furthermore, it may be a safe bet to assume that your delight was based on an emotional stimulus. For the purpose of this section of our journey I sincerely hope that your chosen entertainment was at least a balance of emotions. If it was some dark sinister horror movie or something of the same ilk then please think of something else! Looking back can often be pretty emotional. Although please don’t interpret this as inferring that this process should be exclusively sad or extremely tearful. It can be humorous and lined with joy. More to the point such reflections are usually a mixture of all the emotional extremes. And that is how it can so often end. Indeed, if managed with respect and a sincere determination to succeed, it should conclude in such a fashion. I found myself looking back at some aspects of it with an eye on the humorous side. So will you, I’m sure. When you begin to separate the emotional strands, which intertwined to form it you will in the same breath begin to bring together your most favoured format of life. Or in other words, with all of your skittles in an upright position. But better still, although upright they will be placed a little further apart. The reason? Simply, the conclusion of it will herald a slightly different posture. In effect your upright skittles will be positioned in such a way that the next it bowling ball may miss them completely or simply only wobble a few or indeed knock only the odd one over. Not the whole lot.
As you reflect on the narrative of it an exceptionally reliable way of expressing an emotional situation is via a good old-fashioned letter. The advantages are numerous. This method includes an ability to re-draft the message and express thoughts without fear of an immediate and potentially searching response. Indeed, it will allow the recipient a number of opportunities, not least the ability to re-read the whole document again and again. In the same way, your it is best served by letter. A letter to yourself. Firstly, congratulating yourself for your success in staying the course and successfully dealing with it. And secondly, listing some of the events, some of which may, on the face of it appear a little negative. Equally, many of the events will be positive and inspiring. But before you list your pros and cons get a couple of fresh sheets of paper. One for the negatives you faced during your expedition and one for the positives. This is vitally important, as when you have completed this process you need to finally put the negatives in their rightful place. Yes, in the rubbish bin. But please take no chances! You need to burn the negative list. Cremate the fucker! This concluding act will be immensely powerful and positively inspirational. To have beaten it and destroyed all that negative stuff is the diet of champions. Now it’s time to bring the curtain down on this particular it and evaluate it.
Imagine for a moment if you will, collecting all of your most precious memories and placing them carefully into a large wooden chest. As you gaze upon this feast of nostalgia there is only really one thing you can do: SMILE! If dealt with properly all manner of experiences, including the its of life can ultimately find themselves occupying this particular location. It may take a period of time for the it to finally claim such a position. But then again all good things are worth the wait, aren’t they? It will give you many opportunities to smile. For there is the sweet smell of success by overcoming it and probably more importantly the positive changes which follow the peaceful lying to rest of it. For its can shape you for the better.
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This is what the evaluation stage is really all about. Using your list of positives obtained in the concluding stage this process will become more structured, more valuable, more meaningful, and personal. Locate your list and invest a period of time in linking these attributes to the positive changes in your life.
For there will be many. Determination, resolve, patience, and forgiveness are easily transferable to all aspects of your life ahead. Indeed, most if not all of your positive attributes claimed since your acceptance of it are pretty priceless. To have attained these life skills in any other venue, such as a training course for example, would have cost an absolute fortune. There would be the real likelihood that after a while any skills observed during a period of tuition, no matter how long or well-presented, would inevitably lose their impact in the midst of time. Its however, have probably turned you upside down and inside out, pumped through every artery and vein and ultimately left a series of visible footprints throughout your very soul. No other form of exposure can ever claim to reach these peaks of self-actualisation. This is a unique way of learning, growing, and moving on.
Furthermore an it is totally unique. For each and every one of us on this earth is a one off. By definition so is every it. Now, if you had the only one of something in the whole world, even the universe, how rich would you consider yourself? Throughout the annals of history, one offs and one of a kind have ultimately become priceless. Objects of desire. Individual its are one offs. One of a kind, and in time the way you finally overcame them will be as valuable. As a result, you will probably never completely rid yourself of the experience of it. But having dealt with it, by managing it successfully, your memories of it will be a friend rather than a menacing foe. This final process will undoubtedly herald a new beginning. That’s the stuff of life. You perceive that you have ended a particular chapter when in truth you are about to start another, yet the oncoming process will be dealt with more optimistically.
For your box of life’s most useful tools will be that much grander and your strength of character will be that much greater as you learn to welcome the extra weight of experience. And who knows, with some of your newfound instruments of life you may consider finally loosening the nut on some of the main players in the game of it? The ones who appeared, on initial examination at least to have at times perpetuated it. More often than not they have, from my experiences at least, found it far more challenging to deal with. Not many people like to see another human being crash about in the throes of it, knowing that their actions may have been attributable to it, especially if their involvement in it was less than sincere, less than honourable, less than supportive. With your more rational peace of mind a consideration may be that you outwardly recognise the closing of it to them.
That takes some guts. But it will be the most powerful endorsement of your growth and maturity. Overcoming it and shaking it by the hand. Now there’s a thought! Talking of shaking hands, don’t forget to do the same to your jungle partner. This is a fitting touch and one which will help them successfully evaluate their own performance.
In my case, where was I when I began to evaluate it? Well to be totally honest I very much enjoyed this bit! The individual that popped out of the chrysalis following the conclusion of it, was in my opinion a more rounded and nicer human being. I do not want to sound arrogant, but I genuinely feel that it actually made me sit up, clear my vision, and identify what I really wanted in life. Though I haven’t arrived. Far from it. But perhaps closer to the point I feel more able to approach oncoming its with more reassurance and objectivity. In addition, I have discovered a few latent abilities, which were almost certainly obscured by my inability to deal with previous its in a concise and uplifting manner.
Whatever happens as the result of the next it, reassure yourself of three important things: You can overcome it, the wisdom of it is priceless and who knows where it can take you?
Exciting isn’t it?
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© Ian Kirke 2020