What should we talk about today?
The world according to Kirkey
I have a mate who adores beer. Not necessarily drinking beer, you understand, but the concept of beer. Their favourite phrase is, “We must go for a beer.” Not “shall we go for a beer next Thursday?” or “I’ll book somewhere”. No, their version exists in a magical dimension somewhere between a promise and a … Read more
The essence of genuine football support is not happiness but fluctuation. A proper fan moves endlessly between irrational optimism and profound depression, often within the same ninety minutes (plus additional time). “Fucking Hell” becomes the central philosophical principle, equally applicable to moments of brilliance and disaster. In this way, football teaches life’s deepest lesson: expectation … Read more
Having examined worry once before a couple of exhibits from my past catastrophising surfaced to worry me some more … I’ve always been a worrier. A proper, Olympic level fretter. I can remember moments in my youth when I worried because I didn’t have anything to worry about — a sort of anxiety vacuum that … Read more
There’s a moment—right after I’ve signed the paperwork, shaken hands with a man called Gareth who smells faintly of dealership coffee, and slid into the cockpit of my brand new pride and joy—where I genuinely believe I’ve cracked life. The cabin is immaculate. The plastics are unmolested. The carpets are virginal. The smell is so … Read more
A Kirkeytalk enquiry into our impending doom, Moonpig cards, and Huddersfield Town parking logistics. Some commentators insist Artificial Intelligence (AI) is about to sweep across the planet like a digital plague, leaving humanity redundant, purposeless, and possibly extinct. If you’re struggling to imagine this dystopian future, simply revisit James Cameron’s The Terminator — a film … Read more
Somewhere in the foggy labyrinth of my cultural upbringing — probably wedged between “don’t make a fuss” and “queue nicely” — I learnt the peculiar art of apologising for being the victim. Toe trodden on? Someone sloshes beer down my shirt? Shopping trolley shunted into my spine with the force of a minor earthquake? The … Read more
Catching up with my old mucker John, he casually dropped a bombshell: apparently we feature in David Davies’ autobiographical romp FA Confidential: Sex, Drugs and Penalties. The Inside Story of English Football. Henry Winter’s review in The Daily Telegraph retells Davies’ version – a late night knock at his Burnham Beeches hotel door during Euro … Read more
The last leg of my walk was a greatest hits album of Bracknell absurdity: burglars with bin bags, missing false teeth, Harry Potter film sets, and a showdown with a bloke known as “Half a Thumb.” But tucked between the madness were the moments that mattered — the ones that stitched my life together. One … Read more
When I walked into COSTCO the other day I wasn’t expecting an epiphany. But then the LEGO World Cup edition tipped me over the edge. Firstly, it looked pretty ghastly – square bricks being used to create a rounded object is problematic from the get‑go – and secondly it spoke of an abandonment of what … Read more
If Part One was the warm up lap, this is where the memories start sprinting. Bracknell in the 80s wasn’t just a place — it was a full contact sport. Robberies, dodgy motors, youth clubs, blasting The Specials, and me trying to look competent in a Vauxhall Chevette that handled like a shopping trolley with … Read more