Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence; then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
This was ranked as the world’s funniest joke by Richard Wiseman, Professor of Psychology at the University of Hertfordshire, England, in 2002, following extensive research. Submitted by Gurpal Gosal, it was, in fact, based on a 1951 Goon sketch by the legendary British comedian, Spike Milligan. The basis of the academic study sought to determine the gag that had the ability to activate the chuckle muscles across different cultures and territories. This got me thinking – would the stars from the speedway of nations reveal a humorous side, and if so, could they hold their own as budding stand-up comedians? There was only one way to find out, and as I prepared for the auditions, I was looking forward to a meeting of mirth with my one to eight of budding shale jokers. Borrowing the famous red chair from The Graham Norton television show, how many racers would walk back to the pits in triumph, and how many would face the indignity of having the lever pulled on them and disappearing into the gully below? First up to the mic. was our own Chris ‘Bomber’ Harris with a very matter of fact delivery:
“On the way to the tapes, as I came out of the pit gate, I caught my footrest on the air fence and ended up going over the handlebars. I got up and got excluded for exceeding two minutes!” Short and sweet – you can walk Bomber!
Aussie star, Sam Masters, stepped into the limelight next:
“I went to Bali when we had a couple of weeks off during the World Cup. In my first meeting back, I had Bali belly, and my main goal was to not follow through. So, on dropping the clutch and entering the first corner, I wasn’t so much worried about making the start as holding it all in if I’m honest.” Tidying up a smidgen of Sam’s original routine, I laughed out loud at this funny, but was left with some unanswered questions; had he broken the track record that day, and had he had his leathers professionally dry cleaned afterwards? But, more importantly Sam – you can walk!
Stateside, Ricky Wells sat down comfortably and looked assured:
“I was racing back home in America and my friends from school had come to watch. They were drinking beers at the bar on turn one. I caught a glimpse of them on the run to the corner and thought, ‘I would rather be drinking with them than racing tonight.’” Ricky thought this was hilarious, but to be fair, I was still chuckling at the exploits of Sam Masters and that was a tough act to follow. Sorry Ricky but I’ll have to pull the lever on you. Bye!
Next to face the music was Scott Nicholls, who confidently announced that he had two funnies to share. I like your style, and, by the way, is that a new shirt? Anyway, please continue…
“Sort of on the way to the first corner ─ it was actually on parade doing a practice start in Sweden. I was on the start straight and didn’t realise that the tapes were down until I was almost right upon them! Instead of just riding on through them, I threw the bike onto the right-hand footrest in an effort to stop. I made an impressive stop and didn’t break the tapes ─ however I went over the handlebars.” Scott you can stay seated; and your next slapstick story …
“Running seriously late for an England v Scotland U23 meeting in Edinburgh, I was doubled up in the back of the van ─ I was desperate for the loo, and there was no way I was going to make it to the track without having an accident. Hanging a quick left at the roundabout I saw a car park with trees adjacent to some open land. Finding privacy behind a large tree, I let nature take its course. In my desperation to go, I didn’t notice that my side of the tree was in full view of the parkland where lots of people were walking their dogs!” You can walk Scott – but how many of those folk asked for your autograph?
Danny King recounted – in his words – the most embarrassing moment on a motorcycle, or indeed, off it:
“In 2005, when riding for Rye House, everyone else in the team could do a wheelie. I was desperate to learn and one day I had the opportunity to do a practice day at King’s Lynn. After a few attempts I seemed to have mastered it; I even started thinking to myself, ‘this is actually quite easy.’” A grinning – and dare I say, confident, Danny continued with his tale:
“At my next meeting I was desperate to win a race so I could show the lads I could wheelie. My opportunity came when I won an early race, and I rode round to the home straight in confident mood. I popped a wheelie and flipped it in front of everyone! I couldn’t believe it! I got up and started the bike as I was eager to correct this. Down the back straight this time, had another go, and yes, you guessed it ─ flipped it again!”
“You know what they say ─ third time’s a charm. I restarted, did a wheelie down the whole straight to a big round of applause and was greeted at the pit gate by all my teammates laughing their heads off!”
While my hand hovered over the lever – in two minds whether to let Danny walk, or face the embarrassment of disappearing into the void ─ he unexpectedly fell off the chair all by himself! Honest!
Next up was Italian racer Paco Castagna:
“First corners are, to be totally honest, a little weird, depending on the track. When I was younger, I was in a Grand Prix qualifier in Germany and the occasion got to me. I’m usually a good gater, but with better riders around me I felt scared. In one race, I was thinking about the opposition and dropped the clutch, although I was so nervous that my hand completely lost grip. Let’s just say that was very embarrassing!”
Paco saw my hand reach for the lever then blurted out another:
“When I rode with Nico Covatti, we had great confidence in each other and would always talk – even at the starting gate. Before the green light came on I would often shout at him!”
The vision in my mind of Paco charging into the first bend with one hand on the handlebars trying to tame his bunking bronco of a bike, whilst bellowing tactics to Nico made me smile – you can walk Paco!
Making himself comfortable in the big chair Australian Rory Schlein recounted a tale from a couple of decades ago.
“I was racing in Austria in an U21 qualifier and was asked to compete in an open meeting in Hungry the next day. I said I couldn’t as my van had to be back in the UK for meeting in Manchester on the Monday. The promoter said no worries and promised a bike, mechanic, and hotel. So, I said yes. Ritch Hawkins was racing in the same open meeting so I got a lift with him. I fell asleep in the back of the van and when I awoke we were trackside in Hungry.”
“My mechanic didn’t speak a word of English and I had to draw numbers on the ground to tell him what sprockets to put on! Racing done and I was off to the hotel. However, I ended up staying at a random fans house and was given a lift to the airport in the morning.”
“I got through check-in, and security then at passport control the officer asked where my visa was and how I’d got into the country. I told them that I drove in but they said that was impossible as I didn’t have an entry stamp. I said that we didn’t go through any passport control as I was asleep in the van when we crossed the border. So, I entered illegally! I was then questioned for an hour and was released ten minutes before my flight to Manchester. Safely onboard I fell asleep again. As we landed and I woke up, whilst getting my bearings I heard the captain say welcome to London Luton. That wasn’t good news as I had text my dad to pick me up from London Heathrow. Getting off the plane I called him and said you might be at the wrong airport. A few choice words were spoken as the old man had just driven through the night to get back in time. Luckily enough we got to Manchester around 7pm and I made the meeting – but it was a whirlwind of a weekend!”
I was mentally exhausted after that epic saga and didn’t have the strength to pull the lever although I decided then and there never to trust Rory with any future travel plans. Rory – you can walk!
My final guest was former rider “Sudden Sam” Ermolenko. “I was hanging out with my Aussie buddy Scotty Stevens who made an appearance for Cradley, and possibly Kings Lynn, in the early 80s. He was on a scooter, and I was on a really nice sporty Ducati 939. Cruising around the east side of Sydney, he kept throwing his elbows up like he wanted to make the start at each set of traffic lights. When no one was around he challenged me and said, ‘I’m going to get you this time!’ So, I revved up and [long pause] stalled it – and he took off!” Sam didn’t come up for air and was straight off on another tale as I admired his delivery, but I was still deciding if the content deserved a giggle or a groan.
“I was in front, going around Wolverhampton, when the fuel line broke. I felt a coldness on my leg but didn’t realise at first what it was. As I went into the corner, I flicked that side of the fuel tap off and continued racing.” Concluding this hazardous story, I couldn’t help laughing at the prospect of Sam frantically shooing away his approaching mechanics, as he was only a spark away from literally being on fire that night! Sam you can walk!
In conclusion, perhaps some of the team need to polish up their routines, but there is evidence of some comedy gold in the ranks. Thanks to all those who accepted the challenge to make us chortle, and especially to Scott Nicholls for arranging the auditions.
Title photograph – Greg ‘the Grin’ Hancock reproduced by kind permission of Steve Hone
© Ian Kirke 2023
@ianjkirke