I recently linked my in-car audio system to Spotify. How rock n’ roll am I? I often create my own montage of hits whilst thumping the steering wheel and singing aloud, or just humming when I don’t know the words. I’ll even fess up to getting a few lyrics totally wrong, although to be fair I have never plumbed the depths of those tone-deaf music lovers who, according to research conducted by New Musical Express in 2016, were convinced that a certain Dire Straits classic contained the line, “Money for nothin’ and chips for free.” Of course, the correct line is, “Money for nothin’ and your chicks for free.” I would concede that I am trapped in a melody time warp as my music tastes gravitate towards the 80’s, and I also drive a BMW. Make of that last piece of intelligence what you wish but the reason I say this is that it has a built in Alexa (well the BMW version). I simply say, “Hi BMW, play …,” and I can listen to any track I wish! For an older guy this is pure wizardry!
Listening intently to the opening salvo of ‘We close our eyes’ by the legendary Go West (who, incidentally, were featured in the soundtrack to Pretty Woman, the enduring 1990’s film, with the track ‘The King of Wishful thinking’) my brain made a series of connections …
Inside everyone hides one desire
Outside no one would know
Danger close to the edge of the knife …
(We Close Our Eyes lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing (UK) Limited)
I certainly had and still have desires. Most of the former I have turned into reality. Some were better than expected, whilst others were a total let down. This thought experiment may have been a fleeting moment in an otherwise forgetful car journey, but as I reflected upon the last time I had seen Go West, at Shrewsbury Rocks in 2018, the cognitive cogs cranked up a gear. Wasn’t Shrewsbury at one time in its distant history a Roman settlement? Them lot were into orgies, weren’t they?
Those Romans loved to fuck, and on an industrial scale too. Indeed, the Roman historian Titus Livius Patavinus (known as Livy), born circa 59BC in the city of Patavium, described sex in terms of both political and historical significance. From the birth of Rome in 753BC, and throughout the annals – not to be confused with a most popular sexual act that men would indulge in with both sexes and, if so minded, with animals too – of the Roman Empire, sex was, literally, fucking important.
Polysexuality (being attracted to multiple genders) was also commonplace and it wasn’t unusual for married couples to maintain such relationships without unsettling the domestic status-quo. Throw in the orgies, the love of porn, and incest, amongst other sexual acts, and one has to ponder how the fuck they had time to conquer, at the time, nearly a quarter of the world’s population?
I smiled to myself and wondered what it must have been like to have so much sex with virtually anyone, the exception being any women on women action, since surprisingly, lesbianism was deemed to be unacceptable. You didn’t even have to make an effort! Wake up, screw the wife, pop over to the neighbours, hump them, all before attending your mate’s stag-party orgy? Maybe I was fortunate to not have been born in an era where my cock was likely to be eroded by the time I had reached my late twenties and the chances of catching some form of sexually transmitted infection was more or less routine.
But then again was there not a modern-day equivalence to Roman sexual culture? Perhaps not as obvious, but nonetheless simmering below the surface?
I had heard of swinging but to be perfectly honest, in my alter ego of Viscount Vanilla, I didn’t really have much of a handle on it. Was it a form of clandestine homage to the ancient Romans? Or were swingers just more in tune with their sexual desires? There was only one way to find out.
Through the wonder of social media, flashing my journalistic credentials along the way, I was soon, courtesy of a friend of a friend, in the midst of a band of experienced swingers. With pen cocked and sitting comfortably (dressed to the left) I questioned my banging brigade.
To the uninitiated how would you describe swinging?
Nikki was eager to answer this one first, “Swinging is a lifestyle choice. It’s something to have a serious think about before jumping in with both feet. I dipped my toes in first”. This was reassuring in that I wasn’t expected to dip anything into anyone at the start. No immediate Roman style rollocking, with my bollocks slapping against a total stranger. She continued, smiling at my excited yet totally inaccurate assumption, “I researched the subject. Found out about FabSwingers website and signed-up”. Craig took up where she had left off, “Swinging is a sexually liberating thing. It really changes your whole perception on sex and relationships and the link between love and sex”. This sounded damn logical but surely some form of emotional line is always crossed when people have sex together? Or was I confusing this with love? I was confused! As I deliberated Phoebe pounced, “You get to have sex with lots of hot guys and girls. No strings attached (NSA) – what’s not to love?!” Brian and Sarah gave an insight into nuances of naughtiness which surprised me, “Swinging is being open to the idea that there can be more to sex than just behind closed doors nooky between people within an existing relationship. It is not just ‘partner swapping,’ it can cover exhibitionism, voyeurism, threesomes, moresomes, group-play and even flirting and socialisation”. Blimey! Maybe I had inadvertently entered the fray without evening knowing it, since I liked to socialise and had been known to flirt, but very rarely had this led to sex. Then again, there was that time in Banbury! Patricia added, “Watching, taking part in someone else’s pleasures, curtains, towels and dressing up”. Was this a connection to those Romans?!
And there was ‘dogging’ too – the practise of watching or engaging in sexual activity in public places – surely this had to be a summer sport? If not, I would personally insist on keeping my jumper on at least! According to urban myth, this alfresco pursuit became so named as typically, when a passer-by was challenged by an amorous group, they would state that they were walking their pooch. My mind was beginning to boggle, although I was keen to establish how these very ordinary folk had seen and followed the swinging light.
Photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash
What is the story of your introduction into swinging?
Brian explained, “I worked away from home a lot and used to get cabin-fever from being in my hotel all the time. I plucked up the courage to attend a club and after an eye-opening beginning, found it a great way to socialise in an environment where you can guarantee that people won’t be bent over their phone!” He had a point, although wouldn’t you at least want to send a Tweet or update your status on Facebook? Perhaps not, but linking up via reputable swinging sites would always rely on a stable broadband connection, as Phoebe picked up on, “My introduction to swinging was via a site. I’d been thinking of it for a while as I have a really high sex drive!”
Craig took me a little by surprise (not in any carnal way) when he added, “Mine was plucking up the courage to tell my then wife that I had a fantasy of seeing her have sex with someone else. I was surprised that she was happy to oblige. I didn’t know how to go about doing this, so I did an internet search, found a website and took it from there”. That took some bollocks Craig! I did however wonder if his reference to his ex had anything to do with his continuous devotion to this form of liberty of the libido? Nikki’s disclosure did little to throw me off the scent, “I started four and a half years ago, two years as a couple and the rest single. I was in a marriage, and we discussed it at length. We were told by a friend about a swinging convention in a hotel in Blackpool and asked him for the website. We went to a club first and that was nerve wracking! However, we were welcomed, it was friendly with no pressure and lots of fun! We didn’t play at first but went back again when we joined in! Same room swap. What a lot of fun that was! My first of many MMF’s (male, male, female). We are separated now and I’m a very happy single woman on a mission to visit clubs all over the country and Europe!” Although COVID-19 has put the mockers on much overseas swinging I couldn’t help but wonder if Boris Johnson’s BREXIT deal had any provisions for this? Then again, the mere thought of the UK’s Prime Minister was enough to make me gag, in a wholly non-sexual way.
Is there a swinging etiquette?
The consensus was no means no, and the women are always in charge. Nikki added, “People should always ask to partake in any fun that may be happening”. Patricia continued, “Single females are known as unicorns whilst single males must ask the husband’s permission.” This sounded very British, and all above board to me!
What are your most memorable swinging experiences?
Nikki was first with her hand up (no, not there!) as the broadest of grins dominated her impish face, “I have so many! My first MMF! It was always a fantasy and it happened! I love the feeling that I’m the one they want. I get more and more fantasies and my sexual prowess grows. Making women have amazing orgasms is another huge turn on for me!” I was struggling to keep up as I sat more awkwardly in my chair and attempted to process this deluge of devilish disclosure. With little sign of abating, until that is I raised my hand for her to draw breath she gleefully added, “Oh and my first ever bukkake, wow!” A quick internet search reminded me of the comedian Micky Flanagan who made me laugh out loud at Wembley with his routine about the same deed resembling a plasterer’s radio.
Phoebe muscled in and talked bondage, “I rented a BDSM room there and wow! Within a couple of hours I was upstairs on the PVC bed restrained and being whipped by two guys who took turns in using me! It was amazing!”.
All this high-octane action was brought to a momentary pause when Brian and Sarah recalled the time they met as swingers and eventually fell in love. I smiled since I instinctively knew that any form of intimacy with another human being has to be a game changer, or am I just an emotional twerp? On this occasion I was simply happy for them.
Are there any drawbacks?
My resident couple progressed the narrative with a poignant reflection, “As a couple, swinging can enhance a relationship, but it can strain it, especially with a lack of good communication and respect of each other’s boundaries”. Nikki gave credence to this risk, “Relationships can break up as did my own. He is now dating a woman he used to meet”. Phoebe identified another red flag, “In my experience some guys don’t seem to understand the term NSA. I’ve had a few stalker situations!”
Craig brought some welcome levity to the conversation when he piped up, “Doing this as a single male is hard because there are so many men out there. You have to stand out”. Perhaps this issue alone immediately disqualified me.
Do you serve tea and sandwiches at appropriate intervals?
I was reassured that sustenance was an important swinging convention, often with the provision of buffets. Although Nikki provided some much-needed caution, “I don’t know where those fingers have been so I tend to leave the buffet!” before adding, “My favourite club you can order food! The toasties are amazing for providing a bit of energy at around midnight to keep going!”
Is it an overt lifestyle choice for you or does it exist under the radar?
Overwhelmingly my cohort of sexual libertarians had decided to keep their swinging lifestyle undercover, citing potential discord within their employment. Closer to home Brian admitted, “My close family know with various levels of tolerance and support”. Nikki, effervescent and pragmatic as ever, added, “It’s a lifestyle choice. I have friends and family who know what I do. And as a single woman when I have “meets” I tell at least two friends where I am going. Safety first!”
How do non-swingers respond when they discover your sexual activities?
I wasn’t that surprised that the principal echo was one of astonishment. And it got me thinking – how do you introduce such a topic in the first place? The shock and awe tactic or a more subtle approach, if one ever existed – “Darling do you fancy a threesome with Marjorie after Mah-jong this evening?”
Nikki admitted, “A few family members were shocked and said it was not a good choice (I no longer speak to them). My vanilla friends ask me a lot of questions and are always interested about what I’ve done and what places I have been to”.
So, where has this journey into previously unknown territory taken me? The fantasy element is persuasive, yet my internal chronometer reflects a more prudish posture. This is evidenced by the fact that I don’t like getting into a crowded swimming pool, even with my Speedos firmly on! I’m also cautious of unnecessary peril. I prefer being in a stable, loving relationship and even if my significant other egged me on to sample the swinging scene would I regret it? My postgraduate life is firmly rooted within the discipline of risk, and the perceived threat aligned to my personal vulnerability leads me to the conclusion that I will watch from a distance. But then again that is voyeuristic! Maybe I have latent tendencies after all! Then there are the buffets! Damn, anyone seen my dog collar and lead?
© Ian Kirke 2021
Title photo by Dainis Graveris on Unsplash