Looking back on my sex life, I will admit that I was an awfully late developer. I recall sex education lessons at school in the dim and distant past – the titters, uncomfortable swinging of legs under the wooden chairs, the standard video of a cross-sectional female – with one leg ─ and animated sperm propelling towards their primary goal. As I gingerly began to form closer relationships, the notion of safe sex was a firm handshake with gloves on.
My first experience of using a condom – if I accurately recall – required deep concentration and a dexterity that I had only previously used when assembling an Airfix model of the Focke-Wulf FW190 A8. Although it was a snug fit, from time to time I reached down to double-check. And to be perfectly frank that pretty much summed up my entire safe sex knowledge base. Many decades later I don’t think I have added any more to this data pool, save not touching or licking anything that smells like it is rotting; however, beer has often functioned as the convenient slayer of inhibition.
I recall, as a very naive junior cop, the older sweats giving sermons on rashes, gashes, and lashes around the nether regions, and graphic details about all manner of unnatural secretions emanating from the business end of the John Thomas – primarily green in colour. The climax of many-a-tale was a visit to the ‘Clap Clinic’ – a slang term for the sexually transmitted infections (STI) clinic.
A few years later – owing to a slight rash on the love plunger – I visited the local STI clinic. Feeling overtly conscious that I would inevitably meet someone who knew me, I took along a newspaper in which to bury my head whilst I sat in the reception area. It must have been a day for intellectuals since everyone else had their head obscured by a broadsheet too. The procedure – as I recall – was pretty matter of fact. “How many sexual partners have you had Mr Kirke, and what are their names?” After the attentive nurse had reached for a third piece of A4 paper I decided that was probably enough – even for a compulsive liar. It was then onto the couch for a quick brush down of Excalibur, including an intimate insertion into the sprinkler outlet. A short-time afterwards I was given the all clear and guidance on what to slap on the rash.
The number of sexual partners each gender has enjoyed over time has seen an upward trajectory and, although consistent statistics are sparse, a couple of reliable data streams exist to support this notion: Firstly, the less than erotic sounding research paper, Trends in Frequency of Sexual Activity and Number of Sexual Partners Among Adults Aged 18 to 44 Years in the US, 2000-2018, concluded that this assertion was scientifically proven. Secondly, my own anecdotal evidence having compared lists of historic conquests with my chums over a beer. It should be noted that the latter has a potential error rating – with men only – of minus 80%. A more accurate bedpost notching table was constructed by Manual – an online male wellbeing repository hosted by medical practitioners – that showed the average Turkish chap had around 15 triumphs whilst the typical Indian male had 3. The general synopsis of the fairer sex is around 7 intimate liaisons throughout their lifetime. The bottom line – we are all probably shagging more than at any other time in human history.
I suspect too, that since the arrival of social media and all manner of digital dating Apps the opportunities to connect to those wishing to up their own personal figures have become much greater. Perhaps this is what prompted Mark Zuckerberg to launch a dedicated Facebook dating App after – no doubt ─ picking up on the number of times an unsolicited friend request led to an exchange of bodily fluids followed by an M&S prawn sandwich and a can of gin & tonic.
So, with the literal explosion in sex across the generational divide, is a condom enough? Are where we decide to probe ─ with, amongst other things, our tongues, fingers, and genitalia ─ areas of potential peril? Good choices require accurate information and the only way I could satisfy this gap in my personal knowledge was to visit the clap clinic once again – but this time as a journalist with no rash.
Returning to my medical team of amazing National Health Service angels from the south coast, who had previously helped me make sense of my hangover from hell, I sat crossed legged, erect pencil in hand, and listened …
Have you seen an increase in testing for sexually transmitted diseases?
“As a practice nurse, we are having more requests for STI screening.” My perception that we have all gone shag crazy seemed a fair assumption to make.
What are the most common STIs and what are the tell-tale signs that you may have them?
“Most common are gonorrhoea and chlamydia ─ there are general symptoms such as pain in passing urine, stomach discomfort, unusual discharge and, according to an anonymous source, problems not getting a fully hard boner! Also, for women, indicators are bleeding after sex and between periods.”
Is a condom enough?
“Yes. A condom or femidom are the only effective barrier methods.” My mind wandered back to my woefully constructed Airfix models with the gloopy glue. Time to move on.
Is oral sex safe, no matter which orifice you put your lips and tongue into or around?
“Oral sex is unsafe without a barrier method. Contact with any bodily fluids from a person with cold sores or any herpes infections via an unprotected blow job – or a fufu face flannel ─ can spread the infection.” Blimey! And I had difficulty putting a rubber on my cock! Slipping one on my tongue seemed to me to be beyond the realms of male endeavour, and knowing my luck I would probably have to take a call mid muff-dive and end up sounds like Quasimodo.
Can you catch an STI from a source other than intimate human contact (I often go to speedway and there are regularly some dodgy looking toilets there)?
“HPV (Human papillomavirus) is a virus that can live on sex toys ─ so unless you lick the toilets or use random sex toys left in the said space, or elsewhere, you should be fine.” Phew!
Is there any preparatory action you would recommend lovers to take to ensure good sexual health – other than making sure their permanent partners don’t walk in on the act?
“Regular screening for those with multiple partners, and barrier methods, are the gold standard. Basically, good hygiene alone won’t prevent infections.”
What about afterwards – is a shower always essential? And can it help prevent infection?
“A whole body shower is unnecessary – just wash ya bits; and, I would recommend having a pee afterwards to help prevent UTI’s (urinary tract infections).”
What other advice would you recommend to lessen the likelihood of contracting an STI?
“Choose your partner wisely! Always ask to use a barrier method for all types of sexual activity and conduct frequent testing if you have multiple sexual partners. Ask your intended partner. What’s the worst that can happen? You lose your shag. Hey Ho! Just move on ─ avoiding copious amounts of alcohol which can lead to the disappearance of wise decisions and inhibitions.”
If you think you have one, what should you do?
“As soon as you suspect this may be the case go to your local practice or sexual health clinic. Do not use Dr Google! It’s also advisable to contact sexual partners where appropriate.”
Does anything make a person genetically/medically more susceptible to catching STIs?
“That’s a tough question. Perhaps when they have a weakened immune system. Some STIs can cause infertility, pelvic inflammatory disease in women, may prevent carrying to full term in pregnancy and can be transmitted to baby during labour. All STIs, if left untreated for an extended period, can lead to severe and life altering complications: bladder problems, certain cancers, blindness, damage to different organs, and reduced life expectancy.”
What’s the bottom line advice?
My wise nursing sage didn’t miss a beat, “Steer clear of gammy vaginas and rank penises! But if you must ─ wrap it up baby!” And, I guess, yucky bottoms!
So, in wrapping it up, I guess the mantra of sex is one of continuous penile and vaginal vigilance, and after the event climax if you remain in doubt – for fuck’s sake, check it out!
Happy (and safe) shagging to you all!
© Ian Kirke 2022
@ianjkirke
Title photograph Photo by We-Vibe Toys on Unsplash