I love a good natter with friends. Convivial conversations are my favourite, although I equally enjoy a delicious debate where opposing views are mutually tested, and the manner of delivery of conflicting opinions is respected, even if a consensus may be unattainable. What I heartily detest is the hijacking of earnest enquiry, more often than not by people in power or those adorned with an arrogance that deserves the deepest disrespect. Yet these folk who fuck-fable us are masters of distraction, deception, and detour.
Let me give you an example; recently I attempted to discuss the performance of a politician, only for the other party to reply bluntly, “Could you do any better?” Stunned by the response, I immediately focussed on this counter claim, and, momentarily disorientated, the sudden surge of adrenalin caused my mental cognition to dip as I prepared to defend myself. Within seconds I had gone from sincere questioner to counsel for the defence! A synchronous and subtle subtext corralled me into a position that was utterly preposterous since I could not occupy that territory; I’m not a Member of Parliament. The comparison wasn’t fair, so I shouldn’t have felt compelled to converse on such unequal terms, but it was nonetheless touch and go until I regained my composure.
If you have experienced being taken hostage in this manner, you are not alone. There are strategies available to stifle these dialogue dicks; however, before equipping you with these Exocets of elegant engagement, let’s examine a few terror techniques that are the preferred modes of misdirection, beginning with the dead cat strategy.
This strategy, the preferred method of misdirection championed by Australian political strategist Lynton Crosby, metaphorically introduces a spontaneous subject that out trumps the current narrative in a shock and awe approach leaving others reeling in its wake, and is designed to move the conversation away from a more damaging topic. The current British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, utilised Crosby’s caustic charm during his London mayoral campaigns in 2008 and 2012 and keenly exclaimed, “Let us suppose you are losing an argument. The facts are overwhelmingly against you, and the more people focus on the reality the worse it is for you and your case. Your best bet in these circumstances is to perform a manoeuvre that a great campaigner describes as, “throwing a dead cat on the table, mate.”
“That is because there is one thing that is absolutely certain about throwing a dead cat on the dining room table – and I don’t mean that people will be outraged, alarmed, disgusted. That is true, but irrelevant. The key point, says my Australian friend, is that everyone will shout ‘Jeez, mate, there’s a dead cat on the table!’ In other words they will be talking about the dead cat, the thing you want them to talk about, and they will not be talking about the issue that has been causing you so much grief.”
Only recently, I was discussing the disclosure that Boris Johnson had authorised the airlifting of dogs ahead of people during the evacuation of Afghanistan. The immediate response was, “Afghanis are selling their children and body parts to survive!” Even though this story had credibility, it was a clear attempt to throw me off course, away from the light of scrutiny of the Prime Minister. An example of the dead cat ploy aligned to living dogs, the paradox was palpable – beware of this trick, which can undermine the most discerning and soils our mainstream media like an elephant with chronic diarrhoea.
Gaslighting is a technique only used by the most grotesque among us and is framed around the concept of making the recipient doubt their recollections of an occasion, utilising a narrative that the event in question never happened, or that it is imagined or indeed, they are stupid. Nothing could be more factually incorrect, and this myth is beautifully captured by Charles Bukowski, author, and poet, who said, “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” Your conviction can be weakened in an instant. Gaslighting is a most horrible and corrosive tirade, designed to degrade and disrupt.
A more subtle, but nonetheless malevolent diversion is that of projection. Forcing the inherent behaviour of them upon you. For example, a pathological liar will label others as fibbers, and a bully will position themselves as the victim by making broad statements such as, “They are all rotten to the core!” Shifting the blame onto others is a trademark. The indication that projection is in play will be your immediate realisation that this is simply wrong, albeit your natural sense of empathy may encourage you, quite wrongly, to seek clarification. If there are no concrete, consistent examples they are simply talking crap and trying to control you.
Attempting to converse with fools is fraught with danger too. As Mark Twain wonderfully observed, “Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.” The political discourse here in the United Kingdom and over the Atlantic in the States has groomed an army of buffoons, ably supported by a social media presence allowing whatever bollocks they spout to be applauded by other likeminded twats. Indeed, some are even elected on the back of such twaddle. Our own domestic master of throwing dead cats on any surface let alone a table, once uttered the bizarre phrase, “inverted pyramid of piffle” when denying an adulterous affair.
We all possess elements of anti-social behaviour. I pick my nose and can be mardy. Equally, we all have an element of pathological and sociopathic thought patterns, plus traits of narcissism, amongst other nastiness. Those at the higher end of the latter continuum will cruelty exploit your humanity. Disclosing that you are unhappy with the way you are being treated, a narcissist will stomach punch you with a reply such as, “So you are saying that you are perfect / right all the time / better than everyone else?” They also regularly use overt menacing threats – “Do this or else.” In addition, derogatory name-calling is part of the diabolical arsenal. At its most destructive, this conditioning leads a victim to become dependent upon their abuser for validation, direction, and ultimate care. There are various other derivations of these behaviours, referred to collectively by psychologists as coercive behaviour.
Phew! With all these potential mind games one may be inclined to keep clear of most relationships with other human beings; although the fact is that the vast majority of us are good people, often able to disrupt the dealers of diversion. However, before you can manage others you will need to manage yourself. When we are on the receiving end of such pathetic ploys, our own defensive mechanisms can put us on the back foot. The sudden activation of all manner of endorphins creates a chemical chaos that aids the arseholes and aggressors. So, take some deep breaths, reinforce your resolve with positive affirmations, and visualise your success in keeping the conversation on track.
Call them out beforehand by listing the common cons in advance stating that you are unwilling to accept these distractions. Should they nonetheless use them, infer that they are unwilling to talk about the matter in hand and that they are, quite frankly, cretins unworthy of your conversation.
Repetition of the original position destabilises the dense. The broken record technique is often delicious when served with a spoonful of, “How does this relate to my original question?”
However, all verbal interventions have a failure rate and if all else fails, walk away – they don’t deserve to consume the same oxygen as you. There is no requirement to be an unwilling player in their mind games.
In concluding this foray into fraught messaging, I will leave you with this quote, attributed by many to George Bernard Shaw, playwright, critic, campaigner, and political activist, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”
© Ian Kirke 2022
Title photograph Photo by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash