Have you ever met someone by chance, looked across a crowded room, or passed somebody in the street, unexpectedly experiencing an excited tingle? I know I have and on occasions this colloquial collision of contact has led to convivial conversations, friendships, and on rarer occasions, sex. I was keen to map this latter route to answer the ultimate question, “How did we end up in bed together?”
According to Sir Isaac Newton’s law of universal gravitation, every particle in the universe is attracted to its neighbours with a force that is proportional to the product of their masses and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. The bottom line is that objects are literally drawn together; and this includes humans. The cosmic closeness of our affinity can be subdivided into proximity and emotional positioning: we can stand close to someone and have no pangs of passion, yet on occasion something sparks curiosity. However, this intrigue is, according to recent research conducted at the University of Oxford, dependant on whether you are male or female. Asserting that, “Males and females not only behave differently in terms of sex, they are evolutionarily programmed to do so,” the study continued, “In most animal species, the costs associated with reproduction differ between the sexes: females often benefit most from producing high-quality offspring, while males often benefit from mating with as many females as possible. As a result, males and females have evolved profoundly different adaptations to suit their own reproductive needs.” Thus, both men and women deploy flirtation as a means of normal human communication, but the question is what works best for each sex?
Recent analysis Stateside by researchers at the Department of Psychology, Bucknell University, Lewisburg in Pennsylvania, concluded that flirtation can have a dual aim – for courtship, or “quasi-courtship” ─ the latter outcome fuelling an emotive exchange that is not intended to culminate in sexual activity. That’s all fine and dandy until the quasi position isn’t a mutually shared goal. Consequently, flirting can often be an auditorium of mixed messages where the instinctive position of the female – to attract a potential mate – is at odds with the programmed male status of sharing his reproductive organ with as many females as possible. This imbalance manifests itself in men having a much wider range of flirtation techniques than women. Indeed, the research concluded that there is a ratio of 13:7 in favour of males, with physical contact used more frequently by men. Without an inference of irony, the academics classed a male having sex with a female as an obvious flirt. No shit Sherlock!
Additional techniques used include ─ for women ─ laughing at jokes, engaging in deep conversation, moving physically closer, and dancing. Applying this formula, Mrs Johnston – some twenty-five years my senior – obviously had the hots for me at college, although I may be reading too deeply into this since she was my drama teacher. For men, the list includes, buying a drink, calling on the phone, asking for favours, and sending a valentine card.
Conducting my own field research, I was – given the more masculine alure of flirting – surprised that my invitation to explore the art of wooing was overwhelming accepted by women respondents by a ratio of 2:1. By and large the sample group scored their prowess as an average seventy percent effective, with nigh on the same percentage success rate in turning a flirtatious flurry into sex without a long-term relationship.
Without exception, everyone stated that they were attuned to the flirting cues propelled towards them, whilst the most dominant factor causing them to gush was the appearance of the intended recipient. When pushed on methods used to evade unwelcome seductive behaviour, the results were evenly spread across toying with the other person, making an excuse (truthful or otherwise) to extricate themselves from the situation (for example, “I must call my husband/wife”) or simply walking away. My own research suggests that flirtatious behaviour occurs less online than during face-to-face encounters, although over fifty percent of the online group confessed that this type of chat had led to sex.
However, flirtation is not an exact science. The nuances of human connectivity, combined with cultural differences, can create a contortion of responses ─ or compromised “signalling” ─ as researchers at the Institute for Research in Cognitive Science, at the University of Pennsylvania, concluded in the catchy exposé, “Covert Sexual Signalling: Human Flirtation and Implications for other Social Species.” Here the risks associated with possible benefit versus the probable social cost are weighed alongside overtness. Handled incorrectly the flirt can be seen as boorish, or so introverted as to go almost unnoticed. The middle ground – behaviour labelled by the academics as “skilled flirtatious” – is the place to be, and as with any honed skill, this requires practise and feedback. If the received cues are consistent with the 13:7 rule, all may be on track for something more meaningful, either with or without the prospect of sex. I would suggest that a slap around the head, or a high-voltage verbal bombardment including the term “fuck off” is probable cause to suggest that your signalling has gone to shit.
Another cautionary alarm raised by the Social Issues Research Centre in Oxford is that “men find it particularly difficult to interpret the more subtle cues in women’s body-language, and tend to mistake friendliness for sexual interest.” As American novelist and newspaper editor Edgar Watson Howe once warned a certain cohort of men, “To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in flirtation.”
Like any form of human interaction flirting has its inherent risks, although without it I doubt I’d ever have lost my virginity. I possess a face fit for radio, but my flirtatious nature has nonetheless reaped significant dividends; however, I have always remained cognitive of the obvious signs when it’s not working and my exit strategy kicks in pretty early. I have weaponised self-deprecation to such an art that my flirting has, occasionally, been reminiscent of an abandoned puppy – so if we do end up in bed together be prepared to scratch my back and tickle my tummy. This tactic generally works for me, albeit we all have our own brands of dalliance suiting our unique character. Take That member Gary Barlow has a more direct trajectory – although I will leave you to determine if this is boorish or brilliant: “Are you tired? You should be! You’ve been running through my mind all day.”
Ian Kirke 2023
@ianjkirke
Title photograph by Hello Revival on Unsplash