The world according to Kirkey
I love eating, although my relationship with food hasn’t always been that healthy. When I finally saw the light and lost a heap of blubber ─ and kept it off ─ I grasped the notion of portion control and took an avid interest in what I actually put in my gob. As part of this … Read more
The depressing scuppering of the once proud United Kingdom is perhaps best viewed from ashore — from another nation state with a large glass of wine and some nibbles. Some academics will no doubt trace the rise and fall of the Brits to an era pre-2016, albeit the bonkers BREXIT referendum imposed upon a sleeping … Read more
As a cop there were some delicious moments when I left the claustrophobic confines of an interview room and punched the air in triumph! Unfortunately these were rare, since the vast majority of these exchanges – made by fictional television adaptations to feel unnaturally compelling and characteristic of good prevailing over bad ─ followed a … Read more
For a few nights following the ‘event’ I had fractured sleep and felt an all-consuming miserable malaise take hold of me which I simply couldn’t shake off. Not even the plethora of well-meaning words of wisdom from those around me moved me into the light of positivity. The gut-wrenching scream of twisting metal whilst simultaneously … Read more
Robbie Williams XXV Tour: Resorts World, Birmingham, Sunday 17th October 2022. Robbie Williams erupted over the packed arena like a 21-gun salute of Moët champagne corks with “Hey Wow Yeah Yeah” before delivering the money-shot number “Let Me Entertain You.” Had this been a lover, I would simply have pulled the covers up and lit … Read more
I am not by any stretch of the imagination a petrol head. I have never attempted to change the oil, replace an air filter, and I always fuck up a windscreen wiper blade change, although to be fair I once swapped a set of spark plugs and have changed a couple of wheels in my … Read more
The inevitability of death is – thankfully for most of us – a subject that we rarely give much thought to as we go about our daily lives. There are, of course, important exceptions. Those souls with a life-limiting prognosis, those that choose to end their lives prematurely, and perhaps folk in the final season … Read more
I vividly recall, as a young cop, being locked in a police cell in Bracknell police station. The prank was orchestrated by a couple of the shift elders and was part and parcel of the rituals of being accepted into the fold. Scaring new recruits shitless was a 1980s tradition that typified the slow transition … Read more
My first contact with the vagina was by way of a remote viewing. A mate excitedly explained that he had found a stash of discarded “nudie books” in a ditch proximate to a local lorry park. Aged twelve, my curiosity ─ coupled with pulsing pre-pubescent itches ─ made the thought of seeing a naked woman … Read more
Swearing my oath of allegiance to Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II all those years ago was, at the time, a purely symbolic act; the rite of passage into my previous career as a cop. At the conclusion of this pledge I became a servant of the Crown. This heavyweight commitment was memorable for a unique … Read more