My first contact with the vagina was by way of a remote viewing. A mate excitedly explained that he had found a stash of discarded “nudie books” in a ditch proximate to a local lorry park. Aged twelve, my curiosity ─ coupled with pulsing pre-pubescent itches ─ made the thought of seeing a naked woman too much of a magnetic pull to refuse, and the location was near to a stream where we could skim stones too – so overall it was a win-win situation!
Opening the well-thumbed educational publication, my eyes were initially drawn to the gorgeous breasts pointing forward with conviction and purpose. But what made my shorts slightly more uncomfortable was my reaction to the downstairs region. The pull of the vagina was Newton-like, and as the gravitational power pulled me in for a closer inspection my eyes widened and my heart began to pound rapidly without warning.
At this glorious event horizon I was hooked on pussy! Exactly what I would have done with one at that precise moment is open to speculation; nonetheless, I instinctively knew what my cock was ultimately designed for. However, there was one other important dimension to this sexual awakening ─ these wonderful love holes were shrouded in pubic hair. The models generally had tantalisingly cropped muffs exposing the lips below, or at least the obvious contours of the gates of heaven, yet the “Readers’ Wives” section – where men had submitted photographs of their other halves in all sorts of locations from country walks to hanging out the washing – contained some explicit examples of privet hedges between the often voluptuous legs. Either way, I had a boner for most of the day and skimming stones across the water became a lot trickier. For me as a heterosexual male there was just something ultra-erotic about a furry fufu that kept the notion of hidden treasure and its ultimate discovery sensually stimulating.
As I negotiated my full introduction to the vagina and penetrative sex with the ladies in my life, I began to notice a troubling evolution towards a distinct lack of shielding. In my humble opinion, there was something quite grown up about a hairy, yet well-manicured, lady garden and I have to confess that the first time I clapped eyes on a Kojak Kitty I was a little bamboozled. Not stumped enough to prevent the act of union, but nevertheless a tad nervous. Had my original childhood connection been such a powerful imprint that I was plausibly panicky? And what of the juxtaposition of porn that I regularly reviewed where every lady – bar some specialised German mature sites – was wholly deprived of the sexy thermal covering. Had this industry and its online prevalence shaped the changing face of the vagina? There was only one way to make sense of this conundrum – delve a little deeper into this obvious blind spot in my professional knowledge of vaginas and the owners who apparently sought to crop their alluring assets. But first off, I put my post-graduate research skills to good use and conducted the all-important literary review.
To my surprise pussy preening was commonplace throughout antiquity. Ancient Greeks and Egyptians were serial shavers with temple hieroglyphics illustrating ladies with small triangles of pubic hair. The metal razors they used – found alongside other pharaoh treasures – provide ample evidence that the bush was tamed, although it is suspected that this practice was geared more towards hygiene than to revealing a sexual showpiece. Lice and heat stroke were real and present dangers in the blistering African sun. Greek gals scythed the bush as it was considered to be positively barbarian, hence the prevalence of goddess sculptures bereft of hair below the belly button.
European ladies got in on the topiary of the tweeny practise around the sixteenth century, and a few hundred years later Charles Darwin observed – although how he actually conducted his fieldwork is open to speculation – that in the native peoples of the Western Hemisphere vaginal hair was rare, citing both religious and hygienic influences. In the early part of the twentieth century Gillette premiered the contemporary safety razor with a prolific marketing campaign portraying body hair as offensive.
The bush suffered a significant battering when the “pubic wars” kicked off in the 1960s led by a commercial competition between Playboy and Penthouse. Both publications sought to be riskier than the other without crossing the draconian US laws on decency that led to the judgement that a nude photograph was deemed pornographic only if it showed pubic hair or genitalia. Equally, in the 1980s the availability of “porn to go,” in the form of VHS tapes, portrayed models with waxed vaginas, allowing the significant advantage of closely monitoring the money shot from the comfort of one’s armchair.
The 1990s saw an explosion of porn across the internet and its ready access to all genders had little in the way of filters. Thumbing through your dad’s copy of Knave located under your parents’ bed became a thing of the past. Women began to mimic the clean-cut cooch look whilst men cheered in appreciation. Little has changed within the mainstream porn industry today which continues to exclude the bush from a place at the top table of titillation.
But what do ordinary folk think about what lies beneath the bikini line? Or am I the only one who regularly lays awake late into the night pondering this pubic puzzle? A social media poll that connected with my chums across the cyber highway was my chosen methodology. Everyone – whether an owner of a vagina or not – was invited to contribute, and my healthy sample group led to the following data outcomes:
If you have a vagina what term best describes its current status?
A full bush represented 9% of the respondents, whilst a trimmed lady garden weighed in at 47%. Completely hairless vaginas had a respectable return of 44%. Overall, and for an old school male like me, I was reassured that pubic hair is still alive and kicking within the majority of panties of a sample of my lady friends.
What best describes the driving force behind your choice?
An overwhelming 62% of ladies cited their Egyptian sisters’ hygiene heritage. Whilst none thought the porn industry had any effect, 10% reflected social drivers leading them to present their vaginas according to the “norm.” A few ─ 5% ─ were influenced by the need to please others, whilst the remaining 23% stated a variety of reasons, including personal choice, and that their chosen style simply felt better.
What do you think admirers of vaginas prefer to see?
Nobody gave the thumbs up to a full bush but an encouraging 40% voted for a trimmed vagina, with another 17% championing the cause of a landing strip. Only 28% were convinced by the bald is beautiful argument, whilst 15% had a few other ideas including a hygienic play area (of whatever style). The remainder didn’t have a clue!
If you are an admirer of the vagina, what do you prefer to see?
These statistics displayed an interesting discourse within the simmering pubic wars conflict since an impressive 17% of admirers chose the full bush. Coupled with the 67% who favoured a trimmed pussy, the hair bear bunch had an emphatic victory of 84% of the vote share. Only 16% were for the completely hairless option.
Would you like to add anything else?
Not wishing to leave any stone unturned in my academic delve into the female erogenous zone, I was impressed with some of the concluding statements:
“It’s the weirdest survey I’ve ever filled in; but if people admire this area, I think they need to get a life …” Well, I think that was me told!
“Health also dictates the goings on ‘down there,’” and perhaps my favourite cry of defiance: “I love a hairy bush!”
As a lover of pubic hair, I am heartened by the continued debate on the place of the bush within contemporary conversation. A few years back Cameron Diaz proudly declared that au naturel should be the norm, in direct opposition to an Instagram campaign that continued to demonise the possession of pubic hair. My take? I rarely use Instagram and, Miss Diaz, my contact details are at the foot of this article.
© Ian Kirke 2022
@ianjkirke