I have had many Forrest Gump moments in my life. The mantra, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get’, continues to feature prominently in my life. On the other hand, my 27-year old son Adam, has pretty much mapped his life out with his retirement planned in his forties, whilst the old man sort of makes it up as he goes along. In my chaotic life, chance very often comes along and like a moth drawn to a bright light I more often than not go for it. So, when a message appeared in my Messenger inbox from a female friend I initially, and perhaps unusually, discarded the challenge: You should write about the menopause! On reflection my initial trepidation was framed around the very obvious notion that I could not write about the subject since as a man I could never experience it. If you are a male reader and this claim has made you drop your pipe, dumbbells, copy of FHM or any other small item you happen to be holding, because you know something about the male equivalent, let me immediately correct you because this is, in my opinion, bullshit. Men do not suffer from a comparable condition. Andropause, more common in us older farts, connects with declining testosterone levels and can lead to, amongst other things, irritability, weight gain and low sex drive.
How can I be certain of this assertion? Bluntly put I have risen to the challenge and interviewed a sample group of women about an issue, I am embarrassed to say, I have never given much thought to. To seek to understand, or at least start a conversation about this taboo subject, that can only improve the relationship between genders. This is the principle rationale for this reflective piece. I now passionately believe that men need to know what the ladies in their life are experiencing and in doing so my intention is to explore this gender issue in order to better equip us men to provide healthier support. I make no excuses for the naivety of my inquiry and can only thank the ladies involved for their cooperation and candour. As a professionally qualified researcher I have sought to gather the evidence in a responsible and scientific way and consequently those who did provide the ultimate narrative will remain anonymous. This primary evidence trail was as far as I decided to explore, since I wanted to hear and pass on the real life stories and not summon the collective scientific wisdom which can be found at the click of a button on the internet.
Professionalism aside, I am also a bloke and suffer from many irritating behaviours and entrenched attitudes. I fart, very often without warning, scratch my balls frequently and forget all manner of domestic routines. I am also a clumsy fucker both in terms of manual dexterity and very often in framing sensitive interventions with the opposite sex. Recognising these limitations, I have sought to use this to my advantage on this occasion, and maybe being a klutz, with the best of intentions, has helped me to gather a more personal account of this significant physical and emotional change which I have concluded, many women have to deal with in isolation. Ladies you know who you are and I am indebted to everyone who comprehensively responded to my opening gambit: so, If you were addressing a group of men what would you want to tell them about the menopause and how can men better support their partners?
What exactly is the menopause?
Putting technical explanations to one side, it’s Mother Nature’s kick in the face to all women after they have become surplus to breeding! This disclosure alone made me wince as it signalled redundancy. A loss of purpose that as a man I would be terrified of if I suddenly became, by reason of biology, any less of a human being. At the more scientific level the menopause occurs when hormone levels start to change once the end of childbearing age is reached, resulting in the cessation of egg production within the ovaries. Periods tend to stop, oestrogen dramatically reduces and cortisol and testosterone skyrocket.
The women in our lives, at a certain undefined age, contain a chemical reaction akin to the production of enriched uranium. Its arrival is unannounced and unpredictable. Whilst dealing with the rest of what life throws at them, internally they represent a mini-Chernobyl. Meanwhile, most of us blokes find it difficult to put the top on the fucking toothpaste! Even at this juncture I was beginning to feel thankful that I had been blessed with a cock.
When does it start & when does it finish?
If I was looking for some respite here then I was sadly mistaken. The age range stretched from 45 to 60 years. Taking average life expectancy as 80 the menopause could last for a quarter of a woman’s adult life. Some murderers get less of a sentence. Fifteen years ago, was a lifetime away for me. I also learned that there is a period of transition called the perimenopause which could last several years. Hell, there is a support act too? With no interval?
What does it feel like?
In a nutshell, losing the plot was the most definitive subscript. I was familiar with the notion of hot sweats, and in all honesty until I undertook this investigation that represented fifty percent of my knowledge base. I didn’t realise that some women felt that they would actually combust due to the ferocity of the heat which could occur throughout the day and night, leading to irritability, irrationality, and exhaustion. Joint pain, fractured sleep, deterioration of eyesight, amongst other commonplace symptoms just add to the variety of mental and physical assaults women have to endure once the usefulness of prolonging humanity comes to an abrupt end. Weight gain is also a by-product, eloquently summarised by one lady who addressed the issue of losing her waist and gaining a barrel shaped midriff no matter what exercise or diet regime she employed. To top all this, us men have the audacity to call them the fairer sex? Fuck that, I became acutely aware that women are Warriors! Hard as nails, with true grit and an added superpower of generally putting up with the men in their lives who would, if anything like me, seek out the nearest accident and emergency if they stubbed their big toe!
What happens to your body?
If the previous paragraph didn’t upset your cosy view of the gender divide hold onto your gonads gentlemen as we have only just wiped our feet on the welcome mat to the menopause house of horrors.
Hair can instigate an act of urban warfare. Initially, by retreating from the scalp resulting in thinning hair then popping up in a variety of other really useful places likes the toes. Various body parts can become dry including nails and skin, especially around the boobs, often causing extreme itching. Dryness of the vagina can cause some woman to lose interest in sex because it can become uncomfortable. As one lady succinctly put it, “understand that Barbie might not be bouncing off the headboard anymore, and instead enjoys drinking a cup of cocoa, whilst wearing her slippers!”
Osteoporosis (brittle bones) is a real and present danger and the frequency of irritable bowel syndrome can rise exponentially. If that isn’t enough to make a woman feel like curling up in a ball don’t forget the acne that can reappear from many years long ago. Assuming that there is an opportunity to laugh, for example watching me carry out any DIY project or dancing, muscle deterioration can affect the pelvic floor often leading to a leaky bladder. Hence, a fulsome belly laugh can sometimes cause problems further downstream. Men have mastered the simultaneous sneeze and fart combo although for some women an attempt to emulate this masculine feat could lead to more than a blinking of the eyes. If that is not too much to remember there are the heart palpitations too, but these have nothing to do with falling in love but the responsibility of the monster menopause again. Boobs can also increase in size, although anecdotally this can often mirror the man in their life too.
How does it affect your mental wellbeing?
The emotional roller-coaster is no enjoyable funfair ride. On one extreme the hormonal changes can lead to bouts of sporadic crying without obvious cause whilst at the other, as one woman warned, there lurks the exorcist, leading to unpredictable and seemingly outrageous behaviour.
Self-image can often be warped and as one lady explained, the feeling of being overweight was a consistent, yet implausible head state that was anchored in a childhood memory when a Doctor called her fat when she was six years old. Concentration levels are often adversely affected with a common description of a fogginess in attention spans. Forgetfulness can become mainstream.
What do men need to know?
Practically speaking any understanding of the menopause represents significant progress. Never has the famous Neil Armstrong quote, modified ever so slightly, been truer: “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for men everywhere.” For ease of reference any comments that flippantly engage with ‘PMT’ or derogatory terms that reference mental health issues are as useful as a chocolate fireguard or an ashtray on a motorcycle.
Paradoxically, some women don’t have much of a clue too, since in the absence of the nurturing hand of, for instance, a mother or older sister, their own introduction into this often-terrifying domain can be mind-blowing to them let alone any man that may be in their life. Since every human being is a one off so is the menopause journey, and only jaw jaw can avoid unnecessary war war. Stereotype at your peril. However, one lady, suggested that as a tactic of last resort, vigorously displaying a crucifix often had merit.
How is it treated and are there side effects?
Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is one method of successful intervention although in keeping with the contradictions in the effects of the menopause this treatment is not for every woman. There are side effects including a potential increase in breast and ovarian cancer and stroke, although Barbie can rediscover her libido and as one lady put it, “act like a teenage girl who has just discovered the existence of the orgasm!”
Indeed, some women do not require any medication and may compensate, for example, with an oestrogen rich diet. One disturbing trend was the tendency for some general practitioners to simply prescribe anti-depressants after misdiagnosing the onset of the menopause.
What aggravates you the most?
The most overwhelming cause of frustration was that of a total lack of understanding of the menopause. I hold my hands up to this accusation and although as I read the insightful, compelling, and very often humorous pieces of key evidence I quickly grasped my utter, and I have to say, disgraceful ignorance of the menopause which has affected every woman, within the relevant timespan, that I have ever loved, worked with or known. Enlightenment represents growth although a heavy weight of guilt was nonetheless unmistakable as I negotiated this journey.
Surprisingly, I discovered that the menopause can aggravate relationships between women too, further destroying the myth that this natural, foreseeable event for the female of the species is somehow consistent across the board. This realisation brought me abruptly back to the sage words of Mrs Gump and the unmistakable fact that the menopause experience can be as varied as a box of Milk Tray. Labelling a woman simply as mental, hysterical, or emotional is categorically false and I wonder how many hitherto good relationships have failed because some men have believed all along in the one size fits all approach. I am willing to plead guilty, with mitigation, to this charge.
On a more positive footing one lady was incredibly annoyed with the notion that a woman’s life was over. In her opinion this was the start of a pregnancy free future that offered more opportunity to explore and show off her glowing skin! Another gladiator added that she was able to wear her white jeans anytime of the month and was happy to walk past the tampon isle in the supermarket with a smile on her face, knowing she could spend an extra £12 a month on makeup!
What do men need to do to better support women during the menopause?
Remarkably, adopt a similar posture to that of buying a new house. Simply substitute location, location, location with understand, understand, understand. This is, of course, easier said than done, especially when the human male stumbles across a taboo subject. At the far reaches of the spectrum, as one woman put it, don’t infer a lady is a nutter (unless you have a death wish!) and at the other end ignorance will never result in bliss. Empathy will better equip any man to appreciate that the lady in his life may occasionally want the window wide open in the height of winter or seeks to emulate Meat Loaf’s ‘Bat out of Hell’ whilst driving, especially when someone inadvertently pulls out of a side junction. Empathy is the only reliable and effective approach.
As one lady emphasised, “Cut us some slack too!” The menopause may make some women physically incapable of doing everything they did before. Recognise when they are struggling mentally and help them find that word that sits on the tip of their tongue that has yet to connect with the voice box. Read about it. Talk about it. Listen and try to understand. In return the women in your life may not lose the plot with you also!
Before I hand the baton over to you to further your understanding of the menopause I will remind you that not all of the effects will occur simultaneously and will invariably differ in impact. Contradiction, confusion, and chaos will reign and that is natural. As one lady put it, menopausal women will often be found on a continuum somewhere from Julie Andrews to Cruella de Vil. To love, respect and maintain the best relationship ever during the menopause us men have to ditch the ignorance, embarrassment, and ego and talk. If this article has moved you in this direction then I am on the same path, since at the start I too mistakenly thought that I was part of the warrior race when I was simply the support act to the most incredible of us all. Women.
© Ian Kirke 2020
Title photograph reproduced by kind permission of Bluehost media library.