I have a mate who adores beer. Not necessarily drinking beer, you understand, but the concept of beer. Their favourite phrase is, “We must go for a beer.”
Not “shall we go for a beer next Thursday?” or “I’ll book somewhere”. No, their version exists in a magical dimension somewhere between a promise and a weather forecast.
“Absolutely. We must.” The declaration is usually delivered with great conviction. If enthusiasm were a currency, we’d already own a brewery together.
Yet decades into this friendship, I have come to realise that these proposed pints have roughly the same chance of materialising as a sighting of the Loch Ness Monster riding Shergar.
Invite them to a gathering and they’re often the first to respond.
“Count me in!”
“Wouldn’t miss it!”
“Looking forward to it already!”
Then, as the appointed hour approaches, events begin to unfold. Sometimes there’s a last-minute clash. Occasionally a family issue emerges from nowhere. On rare occasions there is simply silence, as though they have been absorbed into a parallel universe where invitations cannot penetrate.
Now, before you conclude this is a personal slight, our friendship stretches back decades. We’ve laughed together, supported each other and accumulated enough shared stories to fill a small library. Besides, I’ve discovered something important. They do it to everyone.
In fact, mention the subject over a coffee and people begin nodding knowingly. “Ah yes… I’ve got one of those.” The evidence suggests many of us have a friend who treats social arrangements more as inspirational poetry than binding agreements.
They genuinely seem keen. They are sincere in the moment. Yet somehow the future never arrives. So what’s going on? Time to attach the reading light to my head and investigate.
Why Some People Are Perpetually “Up For It”
Research and commentary on so-called “flaking” suggests several common explanations. People often overestimate their future energy and availability, struggle to say no in the moment, or later find social commitments harder than they seemed when first agreed.
1. They Mean It When They Say It
This may be the most surprising revelation.
Many flaky friends are not deliberately misleading anyone. At the moment they agree to meet, they genuinely want to meet.
The problem is that present enthusiasm and future reality are very different things.
A Wednesday evening pint sounds magnificent while sitting comfortably at home on Sunday afternoon. By Wednesday, however, reality has arrived carrying work stress, tiredness and a strong argument for staying in comfortable trousers.
Psychologists point out that many people overestimate the time, motivation and social energy they will have in the future. What feels completely achievable today can feel considerably less appealing when the date actually arrives.
2. Nobody Likes Saying No
For some people, declining an invitation feels uncomfortable.Saying “yes” is socially easy.
Saying “I’d rather not” feels awkward. As a result, people sometimes agree instinctively and only later face the consequences of their generosity.
Experts frequently note that avoiding immediate discomfort can lead to later cancellations, delays or evasive behaviour. The short-term relief of saying “yes” often creates a bigger social problem further down the road.
3. Modern Life Encourages Flaking
Not so long ago cancelling involved an actual conversation.
Today it requires little more than a text message and a sad-face emoji.
Commentators have suggested that mobile communication has reduced the social friction associated with cancelling plans. We no longer have to hear the disappointment in someone’s voice or witness the organiser’s expression when they discover half the guest list has mysteriously evaporated. Technology has made connecting easier. Oddly, it has also made backing out easier.
4. Social Batteries Are Real
Some outwardly confident and entertaining people are secretly running on a surprisingly fragile battery.
They may enjoy socialising immensely, yet when the moment arrives they feel depleted, overwhelmed or simply unable to summon the energy required.
Social anxiety, stress and exhaustion are all recognised reasons why people repeatedly cancel plans they fully intended to keep when they made them. This is why the friend who can hold court brilliantly at a barbecue may simultaneously be the person most likely to cancel the next one.
5. They Love the Idea More Than the Reality
We’ve all done it.
A weekend away.
A cycling trip.
Learning Italian.
Building a shed.
The idea delivers an instant hit of pleasure. The implementation, however, requires effort.
Some people are particularly enthusiastic collectors of possibilities. They enjoy imagining future adventures but struggle with the practical details needed to bring them into existence. What they are buying into is often the attractive idea rather than the diary commitment attached to it.
How Do We Manage the “Let’s Definitely Meet” Friend?
After years of fieldwork, disappointment and unrealised pints, I offer the following survival guide.
Lower Expectations, Not Affection
This was my breakthrough. I stopped treating every enthusiastic acceptance as a contractual obligation. Oddly, it improved the friendship enormously.
If someone repeatedly demonstrates that they are unreliable socially, believe the evidence rather than the promises.
Make Concrete Plans
“We should grab a beer sometime” is friendship vapour.
“Thursday at 7pm in The Red Lion” is a plan. Specific arrangements tend to separate genuine intention from conversational enthusiasm.
Avoid Taking It Personally
Most chronic flakes are not rejecting you.
They are wrestling with their own habits, anxieties, limitations or poor time management.
The behaviour may be frustrating, but it is often surprisingly impersonal.
Keep Inviting Them
Provided they’re otherwise a good friend.
Friendship isn’t a performance review.
Some people bring immense value to our lives while simultaneously possessing organisational skills that would embarrass a startled goldfish.
Have a Backup Plan
Never structure an event around the attendance of a serial no-show. Treat their appearance as a delightful bonus rather than a certainty.
Think of them as social shooting stars.
Spectacular if witnessed, but never guaranteed.
Final Orders at the Bar
The longer I considered the mystery of the disappearing beer companion, the more I realised that friendship isn’t really about reliability statistics.
It’s about understanding the strange and imperfect humans who accompany us through life.
Some friends always arrive early. Some arrive late. Some arrive only in theory. Yet many remain deeply loved despite their infuriating inability to convert enthusiasm into attendance.
So the next time my old friend announces, with the confidence of an election winner and the excitement of a child on Christmas Eve, that “we must go for a beer”, I’ll smile warmly.
I may even agree. I just won’t start putting my coat on.
As the writer and philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson observed:
“The only way to have a friend is to be one.”
Sometimes being a friend means accepting people not only for who they are, but also for who they stubbornly refuse to become.
Even if that person still owes you about seventeen pints.
© Ian Kirke 2026 & title image
@ Iankirke.bsky.social