An affair should be, I assume, a combination of lurid lust, scintillating sex, frenzied fantasy, and riotous risk. The pulsing of the typically in and out experience, with secrecy secured by perhaps a preference for a backdoor entry, requires an energy that needs a ready supply of ─ literally and metaphorically ─ fucking fuel. So, what are the best sources of immediate power for the prolonged periods of physical passion? What ingredients will complement the comings and goings whilst simultaneously supporting the stiffness of endeavour? What is the calorific value of a climax? There was only one place to start my investigation – with the psychology and physics of fucking.
Trawl the internet and you will find list upon list detailing why people engage in affairs. As an academic I am minded to trust source data rather than salacious sentiment, but there is, I assume, always a place for the latter, especially once you have engaged in an affair. I also prefer concise lists – if you like, a wham bam thank you ma’am synopsis. Doctor R. Scott Gornto, therapist, writer, and relationship guru, contends that there are three main reasons for engaging in an affair and, after fifteen years in the field with the sun no doubt on his back, who am I to disagree. Primarily, the fantasy of it all is compelling. As the good Doctor puts it, “The affair partner is simply a construct, a made-up image ─ someone, they imagine, who will meet their every need.”
Secondly, an affair is a convenient mechanism for gaining outward endorsement of attractiveness and sexual prowess, especially if you are advancing in years. Every morning, whilst looking at my Kojak profile, I regularly utter the immortal line, “Who loves ya, baby?” But what if this self-proclamation isn’t enough? As the guru doc speculates, “Who doesn’t like someone telling them they look or smell good, or confirming that another person is attracted to them? Who doesn’t like to feel that someone values them? Again, many individuals that have an affair are not “falling in love” with the other person; they are “falling in love” with this new, wonderful image of themselves ─ an image that’s receiving praise and external validation.”
Finally, you can get addicted to falling in love. In the words of Robert Palmer ─
“It’s closer to the truth to say you can’t get enough,
You know you’re gonna have to face it, you’re addicted to love.”
As the good doctor concludes, “an individual can get hooked ─ not on the person, but on the feeling,” caused by the tsunami of pleasure chemicals – dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin – released when they’re with that person.
Turning to the physical side, according to a 2005 empirical study a typical shagging session lasts between thirty-three seconds and forty-four minutes, with the average hump lasting a little under five-and-a-half minutes. Furthermore, in a latter study a sample group of sex therapists were asked to draw up a libido league table. In a nutshell, they came (not necessarily at the same time) to the following conclusions:
• lasting under three minutes warrants clinical concern
• lasting three to seven minutes is “adequate”
• lasting seven to thirteen minutes is “desirable”
• lasting ten to thirty minutes is “too long”
These explicit excerpts made me reflect – firstly, I was glad that my own prowess was on the continuum (including turning the lights off and removing my clothes) and secondly, how the fuck do I become a researcher on these trials?
Of course, duration will determine how many calories are ultimately burned off, but Doctor Olga Adereyko makes some important observations. For example ─ foreplay. Her pillow talk is convincing, “The longer you stay engaged in physical activity and maintain an elevated heart rate, the more calories you’ll gobble up.” She also concludes that different sexual positions (there are more than one?) can be a fundamental fucking factor. “Incorporate some physically ambitious sexual positions, such as woman-astride or reverse cowgirl. These offer your thighs a good workout, especially after several minutes of using your quads to move up and down. Bump up the intensity by straddling your partner while standing instead of kneeling or sitting. They can lay down on an ottoman or workout bench as you stand over them and control the rhythm of movement in and out. This mimics a squatting exercise and works your quads, hammies, and glutes.”
Not wishing to challenge her clinical research, but I would balk at using an ottoman since the only person I know who has one of these is my mum’s seventy-plus neighbour Barbara – but that’s another story!
As a general rule of thumb Doctor Uchenna Ossai, a pelvic health physical therapist and condoms sex educator (what a business card she must have) concluded that the typical male burns off around four calories a minute, whilst the regular female expands around three when they climax. The thirty three and third uplift for us men is down to bragging about it afterwards on social media, farting and scratching our balls.
Getting to the crux of fuelling those clandestine fucks, what should you consume to help replace those spent calories and cover your tracks? Remember that all sweetmeats have a distinct odour. According to foodie and nutritional nut Dana Leigh Smith you had better pack away the following six erotic essentials:
Spinach – Increases blood flow to the erogenous zones. Nature’s own Viagra. No wonder Olive Oyl always had a smile on her face when semen boyfriend Popeye popped his can.
Green tea – Swimming with catechins that accelerate blood flow ─ the ideal hot drink to keep the fires burning.
Red wine – A proven libido lubricant that will also calm the nerves, especially if your partner removes a large butternut squash and lube from their holdall halfway through your tryst.
Fatty fish ─ Omega-3 fatty acids help your heart rhythm and boost dopamine levels in the brain causing atmospheric arousal.
Steak or burgers – The need for iron isn’t just for the man. Its rapid absorption into the bloodstream gives you the energy to keep on going and going and going some more. Eating meat has never been more important ─ in more ways than you may think.
Dark chocolate – The fabulous flavonoids inside dark chocolate reduce stress levels and relax blood vessels; but beware, brown stains on the linen is never a good look.
So, there you have it – the ultimate guide to nosh and nookie.
But be careful. If your partner adds the above foodstuffs to the weekly shop for their weekend away with ‘friends,’ it isn’t necessarily proof that they are having an affair; however, if they bundle this up with a self-build ottoman it’s pretty damn conclusive!
Happy shagging!
© Ian Kirke 2022
Title photo by Mahrael Boutros on Unsplash