What should we talk about today?
The world according to Kirkey
Brits have a troubled relationship with poo. On the one hand – and as a UK citizen I am allowed to say this – our base humour is predominantly lavatorial. For example, in 2014 the charity WaterAid marked its World Toilet Day by judging Britian’s favourite defecation gag. My personal pick was runner up Matt … Read more
Have you ever met someone by chance, looked across a crowded room, or passed somebody in the street, unexpectedly experiencing an excited tingle? I know I have and on occasions this colloquial collision of contact has led to convivial conversations, friendships, and on rarer occasions, sex. I was keen to map this latter route to … Read more
I was pretty much late to the party losing my virginity ─ at the relatively ripe age of nineteen in an Austrian chalet with my Julie. From what I can recall of this cumming of age, it was behind closed doors, in a bed, with the lights out. I guess, in my defence, it was … Read more
If human communication was simply the exchange of sanitised data life would be pretty dull. We are an emotional species and have an eternal obsession with exploring, questioning and dreaming. As the late entrepreneur, Steve Jobs, concluded, “The ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones who … Read more
Seeking literary stimulus whilst lazing in the garden soaking up the scintillating sunshine – a pretty rare British occurrence – I decided to harness the power of social media. Ever so slightly exaggerating my status and always looking for the double entendre I declared, “Laying naked in the garden looking for inspiration for a topic … Read more
As a practising hypochondriac I have never been slow to react to a bodily function giving me distress. Anything from man flu upwards usually necessitates a Google health check, or a conversation with someone in the medical fraternity. In my quest for immortality this proportionate response has given me a high degree of reassurance. However, … Read more
A not so long time ago, in the Milky Way galaxy, I once had some pretty far, far away thoughts. Apologies to all Star Wars aficionados out there for my clumsy corruption of the opening sequence, but in keeping with one of the principal characters, I used to look like Chewbacca: hair fucking everywhere. My … Read more
One of the more bizarre birthday gifts ever bestowed on me arrived by email. I had to read it a couple of times, if only to fully manage my disappointment: an Alpaca walk. I had little appetite to get up close and personal with an animal I knew little about; and I’d read that they … Read more
Humanity is beautiful, bizarre, and barbaric. Since I am human, I am allowed to make such a delightful and damning statement and I intend to comprehensively prove my assertion ─ but let me first frame the formation of this eureka moment. During a recent engaging and often chaotic conversation with a friend, I grasped a … Read more
What has the epic conclusion to the 2022/23 Vanarama National League got to do with the legendary authors Dame Agatha Christie, Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle and Raymond Chandler? Stay with me for the full ninety minutes, plus added time, a wedge of extra time, and penalties, and I’ll reveal all. But first, I’d like to take … Read more