If I am brutally honest, I find most people irritating. For the whole of my adult life I have worked with, lived with, and been around people. I am beginning to believe that a period of solitude on a remote island or being totally lost in a crowded place where English isn’t the native language may be the antidote. I am often compelled to tell people I meet – after a reasonable time – simply to fuck off. As Charles M. Schulz so elegantly put it in his Peanuts cartoon strip, “I love mankind … it’s people I can’t stand!!”
But chunking it down to manageable bite sized “fuck offs,” one element of human behaviour that really winds me up is another person deciding to conclude an emotionally charged exchange with the infamous phrase, “I was only joking!”
Let me try to achieve tranquillity for a brief moment and examine why this simple construction usually propels me into interplanetary orbit around the seething anger nebula situated in the galaxy of rage. Jokes are supposed to be funny; make you laugh ─ encouraging the release of endorphins within the brain to make you happy. For the record, I have never felt that way after the emphatic use of this utterly undermining response. And why do I have such contempt for this saying within this particular context? Simply because the previous response by the orator of this shitty sentence has already provoked incredible emotion within me, leading to a resolute rebuttal. And whilst harmed by the barbed dialogue, the nuclear button is activated when I am subsequently accused of getting it wrong; failing to read the supposed comical nuance; being labelled the dense one; failing to grasp the gratitude I should feel for being treated to an opportunity to chuckle at the dilemma that was causing me so much misery in the first place. The twat of the talk. Well, if you feel compelled to use this on me, then fuck you!
Having made myself a cup of tea – I am British after all – and calmed the fuck down, I have to critique my own conclusion since I could be the complete curmudgeon, and I may need to look at life’s emotional dilemmas in a different way; laugh in the face of uncertainty; doff my cap to the needs of others who may well have been trying to make light of a heavy issue. But what do the experts in the field of human communication make of my irritable growl syndrome?
Philosopher Shelly Johnson Ph.D., and author of the blog “Love is Stronger,” doesn’t mince her words, “People also often use this phrase after saying something insulting about someone’s intelligence or about some other basic character trait.” She exposes a sequential model of delivery that cuts to the real truth of the statement that is both subtle yet shocking. “Common usage of this phrase follows a pretty typical pattern: someone says something mean and insulting about someone else or about a whole group of people. Then a person or a group of people gets upset about the comment. The person who originally said the comment backpedals and says, ‘I was only joking.’” In summing up she concludes, “Making jokes at other people’s expense crushes people’s spirits and dims their light. ‘I was only joking’ never legitimises this tragedy.”
WOW! A strong condemnation from the good doctor. I would not wish to be categorised as a wuss, as self-deprecation is a personal trait, but as you will recall this observation is circumstantial – during those specific occasions when a serious emotionally charged exchange is sought to be extinguished by another who has stoked the fire in the first place and realised that they have probably bitten off more than they can chew. Former US President, Donald Trump, was the undoubted champion of this acrid approach, deploying the often-divisive opening directly under his nose and spilling out bile only for his underlings to later clarify that he didn’t actually mean it – he was just joshing. In November 2018 in a report by special counsel Robert Mueller about the veracity of claims about emails on Hillary Clinton’s server, Trump’s original statement (of 27th July 2016), “I will tell you this: Russia, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing,” was rebutted by the unconvincing claim that he had made the declaration “in jest and sarcastically, as was apparent to any objective observer.”
The guy who eventually trumped Trump, President Joe Biden, became the unwitting actor in an “I was only joking” saga when he and his wife were hosting the Christmas Eve NORAD Santa tracker in 2021. Caller Jared Schmeck said, “Merry Christmas and let’s go, Brandon” – a euphemistic phrase meaning ‘Fuck Joe Biden.’ After he was outed, he admitted that he knew of the vulgar meaning, claiming that his freedom of speech was being curtailed because he was simply joking! Well, fuck you I say! To clarify – this is aimed at Mr Schmuck-Face and certainly not towards you Mr President (I fully acknowledge that the CIA are probably monitoring my own website – that IS A JOKE for fuck’s sake!).
Perhaps then my initial conviction that my gut response to this ugly reply wasn’t that odd at all was correct; I was probably fully justified in thinking that the person uttering this bollocks deserved my venom. But I was still struggling to wrap up my observations into a neat, pithy definition that echoed the logical conclusion and the emotional vibe; however, I shouldn’t have worried, as the Urban dictionary came to my rescue – “Similar to ‘No offense’. It’s usually said by a person after they’ve insulted you and meant everything they said, but don’t want to upset you or get punched in the face as a result.”
So, if you are with me and detest the term, you are not alone. On the other hand, if you are a regular user and know damn well that your behaviour is bang out of order, then you can quite simply fuck off!