The world according to Kirkey
A long time ago in a Galaxy not so far away I asked my first proper girlfriend out at work. My approach was toe curlingly awful, although to be fair my apologetic, stumbling and cringing posture was nonetheless successful as I got the date. On reflection I can’t have been that bad, although perhaps a … Read more
If you prefer Kellogg’s cornflakes in the morning your libido may take a knock when you realise that the cereal mastermind Dr John Harvey Kellogg, allegedly, maintained that his creation would alleviate the desire to wank. It is true that he was, according to many historians, a little prissy when it came to engaging with … Read more
History will cite an impressive timeline of inventions that have shaped humanity. Stone tools made an appearance around three million years ago. A tad over a million years later the control of fire is thought to have been harnessed by our distant cousin Homo habilis, whilst in 1300 BC the industrialisation of iron smelting kicked … Read more
There remains a degree of uncertainty over who the following words are attributable to, although being long gone I am sure that none of the ancestors of Benjamin Franklin, in a letter written in 1789 about the American Constitution, or Christopher Bullock, in his novel The Cobler of Preston (1716) or indeed Edward Ward, in … Read more
As a rookie cop there were many times when I felt vulnerable. Pub fights, large scale public disorder and high-speed pursuits were the usual suspects. The first couple of events rarely had any rules and I was always mindful that an errant punch could deprive me of my prominent, but nonetheless cherished, front teeth. Having … Read more
On March 23rd, 2020 a relatively redundant word, save outside of the confines of high-security prisons, became mainstream: Lockdown. This new phenomenon led the majority of the sixty-seven million inhabitants of the United Kingdom to self-isolate at home to mitigate the ravages of the COVID-19 pandemic. Many businesses went into stasis and an anxious resignation … Read more
I cried the other night. Nothing unusual in that other than it was at the end of a predictable rom-com whilst sitting in the lounge only forty-eight hours after I had become teary over a song that I had played on YouTube whilst shaving. At 57 I appear to have become a serial blubber probably … Read more
According to the font of all knowledge (Google) on average men feel their balls seven times a day. At least I can be reassured that I am above average in this particular field. Indeed, touching them thousands of miles away from home led to a change in lifestyle that I think may possibly have added … Read more
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says, “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s … Read more
I am Gok Wan’s alter ego. If his utterly stupendous fashion sense is North I am South. Where he burns I freeze. Thus, without M&S I guess I would have to resort to wrapping myself in a refuse sack. I am also tight. Vouchercloud is my primary App and my wallet bursts with store discount … Read more